Harassment- Keep Watching For More

Hey guys,

It has been so long since I posted.

But college has been simultaneously so hectic and exhilarating and time just went by so quickly.

This post is actually a personal essay I wrote for one of my classes.

Seeing the recent #metoo campaign, I decided to publish the essay here.
This is something personal to me but I believe that this conversation has to start somewhere.
And I am glad to do my bit to get it going.

We are all social creatures. Whether we like it or not, society does influence our thoughts and beliefs to a large extent and I am no exception. But one experience completely changed not just one belief of mine, but instead my whole perspective on an issue very pertinent in today’s world. I was harassed in broad daylight inside an MTC bus in Chennai, one of the safest cities for women in India.

The day I was harassed, I was travelling by an MTC bus to meet up with few of my friends. I was wearing a long and loose Kurti and leggings. My harasser was a man who looked to be around my father’s age. He continuously stared at me, sometimes having to look past people in his line of sight. I glared back at first and after a stare off, he turned away. But that did not stop him for his staring continued. I tried to ignore him but his staring did not stop. I was lucky because the woman sitting next to me noticed this. When she had to get down, she took me with her to the backseat and informed the bus conductor. When my stop neared, I stood up only to find out that he had taken his phone out and was trying to take pictures of me. I broke down. I was in tears when I told the conductor of this, all the while hating myself for feeling so vulnerable. The conductor shouted at him and I realised that there were many in the bus who were willing to come to my aid. They made sure he did not get down at my spot and I all but ran from the stop to my destination (which was around a kilometre from there). I could breathe freely only after I was a safe distance away.

I always believed myself to be a strong and bold young woman; I believed that women who could not fight back against harassment were people who did not believe the same of themselves. I was wrong. When the incident happened to me, I was paralysed. I knew I had to walk quite a distance to reach my destination. If he had followed me and had tried anything, I would have been helpless. I hated feeling vulnerable, but there was nothing I could do. All the bravery I thought I had, seemed to have vanished. Was I really a strong and bold young woman? I was, but that did not help me at that moment.

I used to believe that women who were harassed were mostly those who wore ‘modern’ clothes and were physically attractive. I never voiced it for fear of people misunderstanding me. I did not think that women who were harassed were ‘asking for it’ but I felt that their clothes played a part in how people viewed them. Now there was nothing modern or western about my clothes, but that did not stop my harasser. It made me question what society had me believe all these years. Do the clothes of the victim really play a role? I did not find it to be the case.

I used to believe that the physical appearance of the harasser played a role in the fear the woman felt. If he was not as physically threatening, the woman would be bolder. My harasser was an older man. In any other time and circumstance, I would not have felt threatened by him. But that did not stop me from feeling afraid when the incident happened. Does the appearance of the harasser matter? I do not think so. Once a power dynamic is established, the victim feels helpless regardless of the appearance of the harasser.

I believed that the public would victim shame me. I thought I would be faced with humiliating questions. “How do you know he is staring at you? Were you staring at him?”. I thought that they would not come to help me. And in this regard, I was surprised. They were extremely supportive. From the woman sitting next to me, to the conductor, to the other passengers, everyone was so supportive! They made me feel safer and less threatened. Is the public really that cruel and unsympathetic? I do not think so.

I used to consider these as seemingly ‘harmless’ forms of harassment. I was wrong. More severe cases do exist. But that does not invalidate the fact that this is harassment too and it comes with its own trauma. I, a frequent traveller by bus did not use public transport for weeks.

Do you think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill? Would you argue that not only women face these problems? My response to you will be this: we are all dealing with the same hell, just different devils. 

This essay is in no way a representation of all the different forms of harassment prevalent across the country and the world.

It is a menace and it is about time we started recognising it and calling out people for their actions.

Silence is not going to achieve anything.

It is time we started using our voice so that at least the future generations can live in a safer, supportive world.

Have a great life Amigos.

And don't forget to use that voice.

My Experience In The Science Stream And With College Applications and Self Acceptance

Wow, it has been 2 months nearly since my last post.
So much has changed, to be honest.
I feel different in many ways.

This post is mainly targeted to those of you who are currently entering class XI and XII.
This is the Story Of My Life, in a way.
And this post contains stuff that I wish someone had told me when I entered class XII.

As you guys might know, I spent my 11th and 12th studying PCM with CS.
And I am planning on pursuing Liberal Arts at university.
I have been offered unconditional offers of admission from Ashoka University, IIT Madras Humanities Programme, Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS), Hyderabad Campus, FLAME University and Jindal School of Liberal Arts and Humanities, Jindal Global University (JGU).
I had applied to Christ University and Azim Premji University too but I did not write their entrance exams, so I was disqualified.
Anyway, I am just stating facts here.
And it is just to give you some context.

So, why did I choose Science?
Because I liked it better than my other options.
I truly enjoyed learning my subjects.
But I never scored well.
My 2 years in the Science stream killed my confidence, slowly but surely.

When I was in 10th, I had the opportunity of giving speeches in the Gavel Club, I had a very creative streak which propelled me to write and enjoy my work and so much more.
I enjoyed studying the multiple subjects, the opportunities I had to do seminars, to do activities and also the stress free way in which I wrote my Boards.

In 11th, I had to take a 360 degree turn from my mind set.
Now, everything was about how much marks I got in the cycle tests, Quarterly, Half Yearly, Internal tests, etc.
From studying for enjoyment, it was studying for marks and keywords.
And I truly couldn't cope up with it.
It was also at this point of time that my mother went to UK for a year, leaving me with my father and brother here in Chennai.
It was also at this point of time when I held the post of Assistant Secretary in the Interact Club.
A post that was not recognised officially (I was not an official office bearer according to The Rotary Club), but a post nonetheless.

My creative thoughts were pushed away, I had much more important stuff to focus on, or so I convinced myself.
I realised that I was bad at Math.
For the life of me I could not figure out why I was so bad at calculus and trigonometry while I was good at probability and permutations and combinations.

I couldn't read books for enjoyment anymore.
Any time I started reading a book, it was followed by guilt that I couldn't read/ study my textbooks in the same way with the same amount of enthusiasm that I showed back in 10th.
I was lot less reserved in 11th and 12th, but my open mindedness was becoming too narrow minded for my liking.
Introspection was my favourite escape tool.
I knew something was happening, but I ignored it and considered it insignificant in the larger scheme of things.
I underestimated myself and my abilities.

All around me, I saw all my classmates progressing and scoring better and better.
And as much as I told myself that marks do not define me, I knew that others wouldn't agree.
A small part of me started to feel inferior to all the wonderful smart people around me.
A part that gradually grew bigger and made me very very insecure.
I thought that whenever I did well in anything, it was pure luck and not because of my talent or work.
I did not believe myself to be capable of anything.
Because, if I were indeed smart or talented, I should be scoring well or should be getting more opportunities to showcase them or doing well in at least something, right?

Wrong. High school is a battlefield.
People who deserve things sometimes get way less than what they deserve.
People who don't deserve anything sometimes get way more than what they deserve.
It is all a popularity game, a numbers game.
Number of marks, number of friends/supporters, etc.

When I entered 12th, I was clueless.
I didn't want to do Engineering, I was sure of that.
But there seemed to be no other option for me.
I had too many interests.
I was the English enthusiast and feminist who wanted to study history and political science and do social work and also study computer science and physics and understand child psychology and gender ideologies.
In December or January, I don't remember exactly, there was this career counselling programme conducted by my school.
I came to know about the concept of liberal arts from there.
And I am eternally glad that the career counselling programme happened.
Because, it was only after that that I felt hope that my future won't be as bleak as I imagined it to be.

January is when all my applications started.
And I applied to as many universities as I could i.e. all the universities previously mentioned (since I hadn't even written my boards at that point).
I was told that all of those universities were aspirational.
That there was a very low chance of me getting selected.
And boy, didn't I know that.

I never imagined, 5 months back that I would get into all of them.
5 months back, I was of the opinion that I did not have the brains or talent to get into such prestigious places.
I never applied for universities abroad since I knew it would be too expensive and besides, I knew I wouldn't get in anyway.

In the middle of my practical exams and just before my board exams, I went to all the Personal Interviews, entrance exams, etc that were a part of my admissions process (except for TISS and IIT Madras).
And as I finally got my first unconditional acceptance (JGU) in my hand, I couldn't believe my own good luck.
MY PARENTS WERE THRILLED. MY MOM TOLD ME THAT SHE KNEW I WOULD MAKE IT AND THAT I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ALL.
I told her that it was just one university and well, who is to say I would get into the others too?
And just like she prophesied, one after the other, I got my unconditional offers from FLAME and Ashoka.
All in the middle of my Boards.

Ashoka had been my first choice and I was beyond happy.
I sent in my acceptance immediately after my boards got over.
You can look at their website ashoka.edu.in to get an idea of why it was my first choice.

My IIT Madras entrance exam, HSEE was on April 16.
I went and wrote it, all the while expecting to not clear the exam.
I wrote the exam for the sake of writing it, just because I had registered.

Same thing happened with the entrance exam for TISS, TISSBAT.

On the day of the results, I told my parents that they shouldn't expect me to clear the exam.
When I saw that I had been accepted into the programmes, my parents couldn't believe their eyes and I was no better.
I refreshed the page ten times in the fear that it would have been a misprint.

I honestly had not expected to get in.
All my thoughts about myself changed.
I realised just how unfair I had been to myself all these years.
How I never gave myself credit.

So what do I have to say to you guys?

Please don't sell yourself short just because you don't believe in yourself.
11th and 12th is going to be tough.
So god damn tough and stressful and it is okay to feel lost.
It is okay to be bad or average at something, it just means you have to continue searching for what you could be potentially excellent in.
There will be people constantly around you who are excelling in something or the other.
You might be one of them or you might not, but don't lose sight of yourself.

2 years later, I am trying to reconnect to the person I had been.
The creative person who impulsively wrote and was inspired to study.
Your younger self is going to be infinitely better in many ways than your current self.
There is no denying it.

Choose what you like and stand by your choices.
But again, parents play a major part in all of this.
I was lucky in the fact that my parents did not raise an eyebrow when I told them I wanted to pursue liberal arts.
When I said I won't accept IIT Madras, they stood by my choices.
They believed in me and trusted me and I am ever grateful for that.
And I know that this is not the case with many parents.

And whenever you feel confused or apprehensive.
Do not lose hope, a year or two back I was in the exact same position as you are in.
It is normal to feel confused, it is normal to feel afraid of what the future will bring.

Some of you might be pretty much decided that you will write JEE or NEET or one of the many exams and get into an IIT or NIT or BITS or AIIMS or some college or the other.
And I respect your career choices, as long as they were YOUR choices and not something forced on you.
Believe it or not, we live in a society where engineering or medicine is seen as the best course to pursue.
But rethink your choices once again and ask yourself whether this is what you really want to do.

Read, read and read some more.
Don't feel guilty when you read something that is not your textbook.
Read up on different topics, find what all topics fire your curiosity and passion.
Don't lose your fire in the race for scoring better marks.
Don't let your marks define how you feel about yourself.

I'm probably not the best person to advice you on this because these are things I am guilty of doing myself.
But somehow, I have gotten my happy ending or should I say a new beginning.
But I don't know how many people will be lucky enough.
And I am trying in my own way to ensure that at least some of you, right now reading this will make better choices than I did.

And always know, that there are people out there who understand you, who have gone through what you're going through right now.
You might not meet them right away or at all, but they do exist.
And your moral compass will never ever point in the wrong direction as long as you have the courage to pick it up in your hands and trust it completely.

And yes, to those of you in twelfth.
Things will work out in their own course of time, trust me.
But please be active, look up on colleges and courses in this break itself.
You won't get the time to do that later.
They might not be what you will pursue later in the future but it never hurts to research on such stuff.

And when you finally do sit in front of google, it can be overwhelming because you don't know where to start.
And it might seem like there's so many things and you might feel lost, again.
But plod on.
Regardless of whether it is useful or not, learn more about the places.
Do it with an open mind.

See the courses offered, facilities offered, etc etc.
I know people who are right now writing entrance exam after entrance exam without truly knowing what the course is like, what the campus is like, etc.

And yes, by the time board exams come you would have read through your textbook so many times for all the exams that preceded it.
So, don't worry too much about how you will be writing the boards next year.
It is stressful, but you'll be prepared for the most part.

Wow, this post has become quite lengthy!
It is almost like Baahubali and I could have taken a leaf out of Rajamouli's books and divided this into two parts.
But then, I don't know where to divide this.

Anyway, to all of you reading this, everything will turn out well in the future, I promise.
Don't stop believing in yourself and your abilities, ever.
I felt some difficulty in writing this post but I am glad this came out.
This is something that I have wanted to say for a very very long time and I am glad that I finally got to say it.

Every time I wanted to speak on this topic, I told myself that I wasn't qualified enough to talk about this.
And I dare say, I'm still not that qualified, but I have met the minimum qualifications.

Thank you for patiently reading through.
I hope this post has some impact on you as that is the only thing I want to achieve out of this.

And also, just one more thing.
My experiences are mine alone and not indicative of the experiences of other students.
There were people who were worser off and people who were much better off and people who were in the same boat as me.

What Feminism Means To Me

Feminism and Feminists.
Two words that have gathered a lot of dirt, even more so recently.
We have had people mocking these words, directly through their words and indirectly through their actions.
We see a lot of pseudo-feminists (is that even a word?) or like people like to call them, the Femi-nazis or the female counterpart of chauvinists.
And then we see a lot of people who get offended for everything that you say.
Let me show you an example.

Consider this line,
'Ladies, get yourself a man who looks at you like I look at food.'

Seems okay, right? NO.
There will be someone who gets offended by this because it apparently 'disregards gay people'.
So I change the sentence.
'Ladies, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But wait, someone will get offended by this too.
"Why should only the ladies get that? Don't men also deserve someone like that?"
So I change the sentence again.
'Ladies and men, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But again, there will be people offended by this too.
"Does everyone need a partner in life? Why can't they be single and perfectly happy and content?"
So I change the sentence, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But again there will be few people who get offended by this too.
"Well, this is alright but the partner should be approved by your parents and should meet all the criteria they set (like religion, caste, gender, etc. IT IS TRUE).
So I change it, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship, get yourself a partner who is approved by your family and meets all the prerequisite criterion who looks at you like I look at food.'

But there will be people offended by this too.
"Why should people be looking for relationships when they can be looking for better jobs, etc? Our culture does not allow this. They are not allowed to get into a relationship."
So I change it, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship and are allowed and free to do so, get yourself a partner who is approved by your family and meets all the prerequisite criterion who looks at you like I look at food.'

My brain is pretty much exhausted at this point.
But the problem is, people will get offended still.
It is as inevitable as say, the sun rising in the East.

And so, this whole exercise was to tell you one thing.
This post is about what Feminism means to ME.
And if you get offended by some things I have to say, don't fight with me.
Because, things will get dirty.
If you can politely put forth your arguments, I promise that I WILL LISTEN.

There are two ways that equality can be achieved.
You either lift women up to the level of men or you bring down men to the level of women.
No one likes the second option, no one likes the first because in a way, both seem to threaten men and their privileges.
Who cares if women have lived without them for a long time.
They survived all these years, why not now?

If a man announces that he is going to change his surname to that of his wife's and that he is going to live with his wife's family, why do people react so much?
It is natural for a woman to leave her family, the people she has grown up with for so long to live with her husband's family.
It is natural that a woman changes the name she has been recognized with for years to a new one that belongs to her husband.
But it is not okay the other way round.
Why does it then, become an identity crisis?

It is acceptable and expected that in a marriage, the man is older than the woman.
Because, he had to take care of his career, right?
For how else can he take care of all the expenses?
The woman does not need a career, she has him.
But then, people will come and admonish her for being a leech, a parasite that lives off her husband's money.
Well, when she was 26 and slowly climbing up the career ladder, YOU were the ones who told her to stop and get married.
And now you are policing her, all the while taking up a moral high ground you have no business taking up.

If a man asks for paternity leave so that he can really, genuinely help take care of his child, why is it met with so much skepticism and scoffs?
Granted, yes, the man did not have the job of pushing out the child, going through much pain.
But that doesn't make him any less responsible.
In fact, it gives him more responsibility because then, he has the job of taking care of not only his child but also its mother.

When men smoke, people just move on after seeing it.
But when a woman does it, she is stared at, pointed at, etc.
Smoking and drinking just because men do it is not feminism.
The thing is, they are harmful to our health.
They don't care about your gender.
If you still want to do it, it is your personal wish and I can't question you for it.
But this is not about you being a man or a woman, it is about you taking an informed decision about your health.

When a man respects his wife, why is she considered to be a lucky woman?
Isn't everyone supposed to be respected?
Why is it that when someone has a 50% women cabinet, he is suddenly a hero?
The thought is a great one, but the thing is, why is it so uncommon to see such acts?

You want to be a house wife, great.
You genuinely like it, then I have no right to question you and your choices.
If I am a working woman, you have no right to look down at me just like how I have no right to look down at you.
We are doing it by choice.
But we have to understand that many women, do not get that choice.
It is most of the time, the compulsion of society, of family and of the work place.
Feminism aims to give these women a choice, a real one.

The fact that we need something like feminism, someone like a feminist is by itself sad.
We shouldn't have to fight for equal rights, equal opportunity, equality in everything.
It is a right, a fundamental one.
A choice, that should have been given, but was not.
And now, when people are slowly realizing and understanding all this and starting to work for it, there are thousands of people blocking the way.
Each one with their own way of perceiving feminism and taking up the duty of policing other women and men who don't seem to come inside their definition.
There is no unique definition.
There is choice. ONLY CHOICE.

Feminism is not only about women.
It is about equality.
But the thing is, women have lived so many years without the rights that men have now come to enjoy and take for granted.
Feminism came because they had to uplift these women to bring about equality.
Equality meant upliftment of women, hence the term 'Feminism'.

Feminists don't disregard the problem faced by men.
They don't consider them as insignificant.
They know and accept that men are half the population and also demand others to acknowledge the fact that there is another half of the population that has been repressed for far too long.

Feminism is about giving women the choices that men have taken for granted all these years.
It tells us that just because one is a man or a woman they are not granted special privileges.
It expects both of them to be able to do the same things (except certain biological functions) without getting undue attention for it, or being met with disdain and opposition.

Feminism is about not being a hypocrite.
It is about not using your rights wrongly (See what I did there?)
At the basic level, it tells us that humans are humans, regardless of their gender, status, birth, sexuality, religion, skin color, etc.
Humans don't have separate rules.
There is no pre-defined way in which society can function.

Times change and women also have the right to be heard.
To work the same jobs as men with the same ease and comfort and peace.
To demand the salary that men would get if they were in the same position.
To demand to keep their job regardless of their pregnancy (as long as they are productive in their jobs).
To have the right to say no.
To not be objectified.
To not be ashamed of their menstrual cycles.
To not be insulted or humiliated for being bold, for their appearance, for their sexuality.
To demand the rights that they have not enjoyed for so long in life just because they were led to believe that it was their lot in life.

The words feminism and feminist have gathered a lot of hate and unwarranted abuse.
When women voice out their troubles, they are accused of playing the victim card, the woman card or one of the thousands of cards with the special powers.
This accusation is a humiliating one in itself.

Feminism does not disregard the problems that men face.
It doesn't call them to be non-existent.
It acknowledges them and wants justice for men too.
So do not let your arguments that "feminists don't care for men", botch what feminism as a whole stands for.

When people complain about men and the thousands of rape cases, etc, many people come up with the hashtags #NotAllMen.
But if one woman wrongly accuses a man of harassment, immediately it is a black spot on all feminists.
Why don't we have a separate hashtag #NotAllWomen?
One false accusation case among thousands of real, genuine cases (not including those that never get revealed) is enough for people to start #IHateFeminism.
I say genuine cases, because in my current rage, my vocabulary fails me.
What thousands of cases don't show, one wrong case shows.

Let women have their share of running the government.
We do not want female dominance.
We do not want male dominance either.
We want equal representation, equal access to opportunity.

When you have sexual harassment cases, the responsibility and blame goes to the victim.
This is true for both men and women.
Is the victim who wears what she wants the person to blame?
Or is it the uncouth barbarian who thought that just because she wore such a dress, she was provoking him, teasing him to make her his in a primal way, to blame?

Menstruation and temples is another huge story.
Yes, every woman menstruates.
Who cares if you're on your period?
No one is going to look inside your pants, unless there is a very pervert person kneeling on the floor.
It does not matter what society thinks.
God gave you this, He knows what happens during periods.
God DOES NOT MIND.
In the end, it is what you think that matters.
If you are fine with the idea of going inside the temple while on your period, stroll in, take the prasadam, do whatever you want and come back out satisfied.
If you don't like the idea personally, it is again YOUR CHOICE.

You want to wax, shave, not wax, not shave, wear a bra, don't wear one, be who you are, do it.
You have the choice.
Feminism is not about bashing people who choose to do what they want.
It is about learning to accept the choices that other people make as part of their personality.
Do not bash your fellow human beings who can have different thoughts than you.
But, different thoughts does not mean something like standing for the oppression of homosexuals, women or men.
Feminism is NOT about oppressing people because they are a certain way.
You accept everyone, give them the same footing and base and let them figure out their life on their own.

CHOICE, CHOICE, CHOICE.
Choice is fine, you have the right to choose for yourself.
Provided, that you do not take away the rights and choice of another person.
This comes because some retarded people might use what I said to justify that rape was the choice of the rapist.

You wanting to wear a short dress does not make you any less or greater a feminist than a person wanting to wear a dress that fully covers them up.
If a woman wants to get marries at age 20, let her be and do not judge her.
If a woman is unmarried even at 35, let her be and do not judge her.
If a woman wants to abort her baby if she requires it, let her make the choice.
Is someone wants a divorce from their spouse, let them get it.
It is their choice, their life.
Don't guilt trip them, mock them, insult them, blackmail them.
Accept their choices because they don't affect you.
Feminism is only about choice, equal choice in whatever issues that have an impact on us.

I have never been able to understand the term progressive feminist.
Being a feminist means that you are progressive.
You are fighting for a better future for everyone, regardless of their birth.
You are fighting for the past, the present and the future.
You are fighting to bring about progress in our dream of a world where all humans are equal, really and truly.
You cannot be a non progressive feminist. It is an oxymoron.

Also I have mentioned extensively about men and women.
I would also like to add homosexuals to that, because they are humans too.
Feminism stands for them too.
It stands by them, their views, dreams and interests.
They deserve to live life without being discriminated.
Homophobia is true, relevant and very much prevalent.
Feminism also fights against these.

These are the views on feminism by a 16 year old who still has a lot to see in the world.
But in my limited experiences and the volume of things I read and learn about, these are what I believe feminism stands for.
What I stand for.

If I have offended anyone with my usage of words, I am not sorry.
I am not looking to be politically correct and all flowery language.
Given the recent bashing feminists get, I wanted to tell what these two words meant to me.
These are what I believe in, what I stand for, what I will fight for.
Equality is not a one way street and feminism aims to tackle that exact same problem.