Wow, it has been 2 months nearly since my last post.
So much has changed, to be honest.
I feel different in many ways.
This post is mainly targeted to those of you who are currently entering class XI and XII.
This is the Story Of My Life, in a way.
And this post contains stuff that I wish someone had told me when I entered class XII.
As you guys might know, I spent my 11th and 12th studying PCM with CS.
And I am planning on pursuing Liberal Arts at university.
I have been offered unconditional offers of admission from Ashoka University, IIT Madras Humanities Programme, Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS), Hyderabad Campus, FLAME University and Jindal School of Liberal Arts and Humanities, Jindal Global University (JGU).
I had applied to Christ University and Azim Premji University too but I did not write their entrance exams, so I was disqualified.
Anyway, I am just stating facts here.
And it is just to give you some context.
So, why did I choose Science?
Because I liked it better than my other options.
I truly enjoyed learning my subjects.
But I never scored well.
My 2 years in the Science stream killed my confidence, slowly but surely.
When I was in 10th, I had the opportunity of giving speeches in the Gavel Club, I had a very creative streak which propelled me to write and enjoy my work and so much more.
I enjoyed studying the multiple subjects, the opportunities I had to do seminars, to do activities and also the stress free way in which I wrote my Boards.
In 11th, I had to take a 360 degree turn from my mind set.
Now, everything was about how much marks I got in the cycle tests, Quarterly, Half Yearly, Internal tests, etc.
From studying for enjoyment, it was studying for marks and keywords.
And I truly couldn't cope up with it.
It was also at this point of time that my mother went to UK for a year, leaving me with my father and brother here in Chennai.
It was also at this point of time when I held the post of Assistant Secretary in the Interact Club.
A post that was not recognised officially (I was not an official office bearer according to The Rotary Club), but a post nonetheless.
My creative thoughts were pushed away, I had much more important stuff to focus on, or so I convinced myself.
I realised that I was bad at Math.
For the life of me I could not figure out why I was so bad at calculus and trigonometry while I was good at probability and permutations and combinations.
I couldn't read books for enjoyment anymore.
Any time I started reading a book, it was followed by guilt that I couldn't read/ study my textbooks in the same way with the same amount of enthusiasm that I showed back in 10th.
I was lot less reserved in 11th and 12th, but my open mindedness was becoming too narrow minded for my liking.
Introspection was my favourite escape tool.
I knew something was happening, but I ignored it and considered it insignificant in the larger scheme of things.
I underestimated myself and my abilities.
All around me, I saw all my classmates progressing and scoring better and better.
And as much as I told myself that marks do not define me, I knew that others wouldn't agree.
A small part of me started to feel inferior to all the wonderful smart people around me.
A part that gradually grew bigger and made me very very insecure.
I thought that whenever I did well in anything, it was pure luck and not because of my talent or work.
I did not believe myself to be capable of anything.
Because, if I were indeed smart or talented, I should be scoring well or should be getting more opportunities to showcase them or doing well in at least something, right?
Wrong. High school is a battlefield.
People who deserve things sometimes get way less than what they deserve.
People who don't deserve anything sometimes get way more than what they deserve.
It is all a popularity game, a numbers game.
Number of marks, number of friends/supporters, etc.
When I entered 12th, I was clueless.
I didn't want to do Engineering, I was sure of that.
But there seemed to be no other option for me.
I had too many interests.
I was the English enthusiast and feminist who wanted to study history and political science and do social work and also study computer science and physics and understand child psychology and gender ideologies.
In December or January, I don't remember exactly, there was this career counselling programme conducted by my school.
I came to know about the concept of liberal arts from there.
And I am eternally glad that the career counselling programme happened.
Because, it was only after that that I felt hope that my future won't be as bleak as I imagined it to be.
January is when all my applications started.
And I applied to as many universities as I could i.e. all the universities previously mentioned (since I hadn't even written my boards at that point).
I was told that all of those universities were aspirational.
That there was a very low chance of me getting selected.
And boy, didn't I know that.
I never imagined, 5 months back that I would get into all of them.
5 months back, I was of the opinion that I did not have the brains or talent to get into such prestigious places.
I never applied for universities abroad since I knew it would be too expensive and besides, I knew I wouldn't get in anyway.
In the middle of my practical exams and just before my board exams, I went to all the Personal Interviews, entrance exams, etc that were a part of my admissions process (except for TISS and IIT Madras).
And as I finally got my first unconditional acceptance (JGU) in my hand, I couldn't believe my own good luck.
MY PARENTS WERE THRILLED. MY MOM TOLD ME THAT SHE KNEW I WOULD MAKE IT AND THAT I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ALL.
I told her that it was just one university and well, who is to say I would get into the others too?
And just like she prophesied, one after the other, I got my unconditional offers from FLAME and Ashoka.
All in the middle of my Boards.
Ashoka had been my first choice and I was beyond happy.
I sent in my acceptance immediately after my boards got over.
You can look at their website ashoka.edu.in to get an idea of why it was my first choice.
My IIT Madras entrance exam, HSEE was on April 16.
I went and wrote it, all the while expecting to not clear the exam.
I wrote the exam for the sake of writing it, just because I had registered.
Same thing happened with the entrance exam for TISS, TISSBAT.
On the day of the results, I told my parents that they shouldn't expect me to clear the exam.
When I saw that I had been accepted into the programmes, my parents couldn't believe their eyes and I was no better.
I refreshed the page ten times in the fear that it would have been a misprint.
I honestly had not expected to get in.
All my thoughts about myself changed.
I realised just how unfair I had been to myself all these years.
How I never gave myself credit.
So what do I have to say to you guys?
Please don't sell yourself short just because you don't believe in yourself.
11th and 12th is going to be tough.
So god damn tough and stressful and it is okay to feel lost.
It is okay to be bad or average at something, it just means you have to continue searching for what you could be potentially excellent in.
There will be people constantly around you who are excelling in something or the other.
You might be one of them or you might not, but don't lose sight of yourself.
2 years later, I am trying to reconnect to the person I had been.
The creative person who impulsively wrote and was inspired to study.
Your younger self is going to be infinitely better in many ways than your current self.
There is no denying it.
Choose what you like and stand by your choices.
But again, parents play a major part in all of this.
I was lucky in the fact that my parents did not raise an eyebrow when I told them I wanted to pursue liberal arts.
When I said I won't accept IIT Madras, they stood by my choices.
They believed in me and trusted me and I am ever grateful for that.
And I know that this is not the case with many parents.
And whenever you feel confused or apprehensive.
Do not lose hope, a year or two back I was in the exact same position as you are in.
It is normal to feel confused, it is normal to feel afraid of what the future will bring.
Some of you might be pretty much decided that you will write JEE or NEET or one of the many exams and get into an IIT or NIT or BITS or AIIMS or some college or the other.
And I respect your career choices, as long as they were YOUR choices and not something forced on you.
Believe it or not, we live in a society where engineering or medicine is seen as the best course to pursue.
But rethink your choices once again and ask yourself whether this is what you really want to do.
Read, read and read some more.
Don't feel guilty when you read something that is not your textbook.
Read up on different topics, find what all topics fire your curiosity and passion.
Don't lose your fire in the race for scoring better marks.
Don't let your marks define how you feel about yourself.
I'm probably not the best person to advice you on this because these are things I am guilty of doing myself.
But somehow, I have gotten my happy ending or should I say a new beginning.
But I don't know how many people will be lucky enough.
And I am trying in my own way to ensure that at least some of you, right now reading this will make better choices than I did.
And always know, that there are people out there who understand you, who have gone through what you're going through right now.
You might not meet them right away or at all, but they do exist.
And your moral compass will never ever point in the wrong direction as long as you have the courage to pick it up in your hands and trust it completely.
And yes, to those of you in twelfth.
Things will work out in their own course of time, trust me.
But please be active, look up on colleges and courses in this break itself.
You won't get the time to do that later.
They might not be what you will pursue later in the future but it never hurts to research on such stuff.
And when you finally do sit in front of google, it can be overwhelming because you don't know where to start.
And it might seem like there's so many things and you might feel lost, again.
But plod on.
Regardless of whether it is useful or not, learn more about the places.
Do it with an open mind.
See the courses offered, facilities offered, etc etc.
I know people who are right now writing entrance exam after entrance exam without truly knowing what the course is like, what the campus is like, etc.
And yes, by the time board exams come you would have read through your textbook so many times for all the exams that preceded it.
So, don't worry too much about how you will be writing the boards next year.
It is stressful, but you'll be prepared for the most part.
Wow, this post has become quite lengthy!
It is almost like Baahubali and I could have taken a leaf out of Rajamouli's books and divided this into two parts.
But then, I don't know where to divide this.
Anyway, to all of you reading this, everything will turn out well in the future, I promise.
Don't stop believing in yourself and your abilities, ever.
I felt some difficulty in writing this post but I am glad this came out.
This is something that I have wanted to say for a very very long time and I am glad that I finally got to say it.
Every time I wanted to speak on this topic, I told myself that I wasn't qualified enough to talk about this.
And I dare say, I'm still not that qualified, but I have met the minimum qualifications.
Thank you for patiently reading through.
I hope this post has some impact on you as that is the only thing I want to achieve out of this.
And also, just one more thing.
My experiences are mine alone and not indicative of the experiences of other students.
There were people who were worser off and people who were much better off and people who were in the same boat as me.
So much has changed, to be honest.
I feel different in many ways.
This post is mainly targeted to those of you who are currently entering class XI and XII.
This is the Story Of My Life, in a way.
And this post contains stuff that I wish someone had told me when I entered class XII.
As you guys might know, I spent my 11th and 12th studying PCM with CS.
And I am planning on pursuing Liberal Arts at university.
I have been offered unconditional offers of admission from Ashoka University, IIT Madras Humanities Programme, Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS), Hyderabad Campus, FLAME University and Jindal School of Liberal Arts and Humanities, Jindal Global University (JGU).
I had applied to Christ University and Azim Premji University too but I did not write their entrance exams, so I was disqualified.
Anyway, I am just stating facts here.
And it is just to give you some context.
So, why did I choose Science?
Because I liked it better than my other options.
I truly enjoyed learning my subjects.
But I never scored well.
My 2 years in the Science stream killed my confidence, slowly but surely.
When I was in 10th, I had the opportunity of giving speeches in the Gavel Club, I had a very creative streak which propelled me to write and enjoy my work and so much more.
I enjoyed studying the multiple subjects, the opportunities I had to do seminars, to do activities and also the stress free way in which I wrote my Boards.
In 11th, I had to take a 360 degree turn from my mind set.
Now, everything was about how much marks I got in the cycle tests, Quarterly, Half Yearly, Internal tests, etc.
From studying for enjoyment, it was studying for marks and keywords.
And I truly couldn't cope up with it.
It was also at this point of time that my mother went to UK for a year, leaving me with my father and brother here in Chennai.
It was also at this point of time when I held the post of Assistant Secretary in the Interact Club.
A post that was not recognised officially (I was not an official office bearer according to The Rotary Club), but a post nonetheless.
My creative thoughts were pushed away, I had much more important stuff to focus on, or so I convinced myself.
I realised that I was bad at Math.
For the life of me I could not figure out why I was so bad at calculus and trigonometry while I was good at probability and permutations and combinations.
I couldn't read books for enjoyment anymore.
Any time I started reading a book, it was followed by guilt that I couldn't read/ study my textbooks in the same way with the same amount of enthusiasm that I showed back in 10th.
I was lot less reserved in 11th and 12th, but my open mindedness was becoming too narrow minded for my liking.
Introspection was my favourite escape tool.
I knew something was happening, but I ignored it and considered it insignificant in the larger scheme of things.
I underestimated myself and my abilities.
All around me, I saw all my classmates progressing and scoring better and better.
And as much as I told myself that marks do not define me, I knew that others wouldn't agree.
A small part of me started to feel inferior to all the wonderful smart people around me.
A part that gradually grew bigger and made me very very insecure.
I thought that whenever I did well in anything, it was pure luck and not because of my talent or work.
I did not believe myself to be capable of anything.
Because, if I were indeed smart or talented, I should be scoring well or should be getting more opportunities to showcase them or doing well in at least something, right?
Wrong. High school is a battlefield.
People who deserve things sometimes get way less than what they deserve.
People who don't deserve anything sometimes get way more than what they deserve.
It is all a popularity game, a numbers game.
Number of marks, number of friends/supporters, etc.
When I entered 12th, I was clueless.
I didn't want to do Engineering, I was sure of that.
But there seemed to be no other option for me.
I had too many interests.
I was the English enthusiast and feminist who wanted to study history and political science and do social work and also study computer science and physics and understand child psychology and gender ideologies.
In December or January, I don't remember exactly, there was this career counselling programme conducted by my school.
I came to know about the concept of liberal arts from there.
And I am eternally glad that the career counselling programme happened.
Because, it was only after that that I felt hope that my future won't be as bleak as I imagined it to be.
January is when all my applications started.
And I applied to as many universities as I could i.e. all the universities previously mentioned (since I hadn't even written my boards at that point).
I was told that all of those universities were aspirational.
That there was a very low chance of me getting selected.
And boy, didn't I know that.
I never imagined, 5 months back that I would get into all of them.
5 months back, I was of the opinion that I did not have the brains or talent to get into such prestigious places.
I never applied for universities abroad since I knew it would be too expensive and besides, I knew I wouldn't get in anyway.
In the middle of my practical exams and just before my board exams, I went to all the Personal Interviews, entrance exams, etc that were a part of my admissions process (except for TISS and IIT Madras).
And as I finally got my first unconditional acceptance (JGU) in my hand, I couldn't believe my own good luck.
MY PARENTS WERE THRILLED. MY MOM TOLD ME THAT SHE KNEW I WOULD MAKE IT AND THAT I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ALL.
I told her that it was just one university and well, who is to say I would get into the others too?
And just like she prophesied, one after the other, I got my unconditional offers from FLAME and Ashoka.
All in the middle of my Boards.
Ashoka had been my first choice and I was beyond happy.
I sent in my acceptance immediately after my boards got over.
You can look at their website ashoka.edu.in to get an idea of why it was my first choice.
My IIT Madras entrance exam, HSEE was on April 16.
I went and wrote it, all the while expecting to not clear the exam.
I wrote the exam for the sake of writing it, just because I had registered.
Same thing happened with the entrance exam for TISS, TISSBAT.
On the day of the results, I told my parents that they shouldn't expect me to clear the exam.
When I saw that I had been accepted into the programmes, my parents couldn't believe their eyes and I was no better.
I refreshed the page ten times in the fear that it would have been a misprint.
I honestly had not expected to get in.
All my thoughts about myself changed.
I realised just how unfair I had been to myself all these years.
How I never gave myself credit.
So what do I have to say to you guys?
Please don't sell yourself short just because you don't believe in yourself.
11th and 12th is going to be tough.
So god damn tough and stressful and it is okay to feel lost.
It is okay to be bad or average at something, it just means you have to continue searching for what you could be potentially excellent in.
There will be people constantly around you who are excelling in something or the other.
You might be one of them or you might not, but don't lose sight of yourself.
2 years later, I am trying to reconnect to the person I had been.
The creative person who impulsively wrote and was inspired to study.
Your younger self is going to be infinitely better in many ways than your current self.
There is no denying it.
Choose what you like and stand by your choices.
But again, parents play a major part in all of this.
I was lucky in the fact that my parents did not raise an eyebrow when I told them I wanted to pursue liberal arts.
When I said I won't accept IIT Madras, they stood by my choices.
They believed in me and trusted me and I am ever grateful for that.
And I know that this is not the case with many parents.
And whenever you feel confused or apprehensive.
Do not lose hope, a year or two back I was in the exact same position as you are in.
It is normal to feel confused, it is normal to feel afraid of what the future will bring.
Some of you might be pretty much decided that you will write JEE or NEET or one of the many exams and get into an IIT or NIT or BITS or AIIMS or some college or the other.
And I respect your career choices, as long as they were YOUR choices and not something forced on you.
Believe it or not, we live in a society where engineering or medicine is seen as the best course to pursue.
But rethink your choices once again and ask yourself whether this is what you really want to do.
Read, read and read some more.
Don't feel guilty when you read something that is not your textbook.
Read up on different topics, find what all topics fire your curiosity and passion.
Don't lose your fire in the race for scoring better marks.
Don't let your marks define how you feel about yourself.
I'm probably not the best person to advice you on this because these are things I am guilty of doing myself.
But somehow, I have gotten my happy ending or should I say a new beginning.
But I don't know how many people will be lucky enough.
And I am trying in my own way to ensure that at least some of you, right now reading this will make better choices than I did.
And always know, that there are people out there who understand you, who have gone through what you're going through right now.
You might not meet them right away or at all, but they do exist.
And your moral compass will never ever point in the wrong direction as long as you have the courage to pick it up in your hands and trust it completely.
And yes, to those of you in twelfth.
Things will work out in their own course of time, trust me.
But please be active, look up on colleges and courses in this break itself.
You won't get the time to do that later.
They might not be what you will pursue later in the future but it never hurts to research on such stuff.
And when you finally do sit in front of google, it can be overwhelming because you don't know where to start.
And it might seem like there's so many things and you might feel lost, again.
But plod on.
Regardless of whether it is useful or not, learn more about the places.
Do it with an open mind.
See the courses offered, facilities offered, etc etc.
I know people who are right now writing entrance exam after entrance exam without truly knowing what the course is like, what the campus is like, etc.
And yes, by the time board exams come you would have read through your textbook so many times for all the exams that preceded it.
So, don't worry too much about how you will be writing the boards next year.
It is stressful, but you'll be prepared for the most part.
Wow, this post has become quite lengthy!
It is almost like Baahubali and I could have taken a leaf out of Rajamouli's books and divided this into two parts.
But then, I don't know where to divide this.
Anyway, to all of you reading this, everything will turn out well in the future, I promise.
Don't stop believing in yourself and your abilities, ever.
I felt some difficulty in writing this post but I am glad this came out.
This is something that I have wanted to say for a very very long time and I am glad that I finally got to say it.
Every time I wanted to speak on this topic, I told myself that I wasn't qualified enough to talk about this.
And I dare say, I'm still not that qualified, but I have met the minimum qualifications.
Thank you for patiently reading through.
I hope this post has some impact on you as that is the only thing I want to achieve out of this.
And also, just one more thing.
My experiences are mine alone and not indicative of the experiences of other students.
There were people who were worser off and people who were much better off and people who were in the same boat as me.
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