Harassment- Keep Watching For More

Hey guys,

It has been so long since I posted.

But college has been simultaneously so hectic and exhilarating and time just went by so quickly.

This post is actually a personal essay I wrote for one of my classes.

Seeing the recent #metoo campaign, I decided to publish the essay here.
This is something personal to me but I believe that this conversation has to start somewhere.
And I am glad to do my bit to get it going.

We are all social creatures. Whether we like it or not, society does influence our thoughts and beliefs to a large extent and I am no exception. But one experience completely changed not just one belief of mine, but instead my whole perspective on an issue very pertinent in today’s world. I was harassed in broad daylight inside an MTC bus in Chennai, one of the safest cities for women in India.

The day I was harassed, I was travelling by an MTC bus to meet up with few of my friends. I was wearing a long and loose Kurti and leggings. My harasser was a man who looked to be around my father’s age. He continuously stared at me, sometimes having to look past people in his line of sight. I glared back at first and after a stare off, he turned away. But that did not stop him for his staring continued. I tried to ignore him but his staring did not stop. I was lucky because the woman sitting next to me noticed this. When she had to get down, she took me with her to the backseat and informed the bus conductor. When my stop neared, I stood up only to find out that he had taken his phone out and was trying to take pictures of me. I broke down. I was in tears when I told the conductor of this, all the while hating myself for feeling so vulnerable. The conductor shouted at him and I realised that there were many in the bus who were willing to come to my aid. They made sure he did not get down at my spot and I all but ran from the stop to my destination (which was around a kilometre from there). I could breathe freely only after I was a safe distance away.

I always believed myself to be a strong and bold young woman; I believed that women who could not fight back against harassment were people who did not believe the same of themselves. I was wrong. When the incident happened to me, I was paralysed. I knew I had to walk quite a distance to reach my destination. If he had followed me and had tried anything, I would have been helpless. I hated feeling vulnerable, but there was nothing I could do. All the bravery I thought I had, seemed to have vanished. Was I really a strong and bold young woman? I was, but that did not help me at that moment.

I used to believe that women who were harassed were mostly those who wore ‘modern’ clothes and were physically attractive. I never voiced it for fear of people misunderstanding me. I did not think that women who were harassed were ‘asking for it’ but I felt that their clothes played a part in how people viewed them. Now there was nothing modern or western about my clothes, but that did not stop my harasser. It made me question what society had me believe all these years. Do the clothes of the victim really play a role? I did not find it to be the case.

I used to believe that the physical appearance of the harasser played a role in the fear the woman felt. If he was not as physically threatening, the woman would be bolder. My harasser was an older man. In any other time and circumstance, I would not have felt threatened by him. But that did not stop me from feeling afraid when the incident happened. Does the appearance of the harasser matter? I do not think so. Once a power dynamic is established, the victim feels helpless regardless of the appearance of the harasser.

I believed that the public would victim shame me. I thought I would be faced with humiliating questions. “How do you know he is staring at you? Were you staring at him?”. I thought that they would not come to help me. And in this regard, I was surprised. They were extremely supportive. From the woman sitting next to me, to the conductor, to the other passengers, everyone was so supportive! They made me feel safer and less threatened. Is the public really that cruel and unsympathetic? I do not think so.

I used to consider these as seemingly ‘harmless’ forms of harassment. I was wrong. More severe cases do exist. But that does not invalidate the fact that this is harassment too and it comes with its own trauma. I, a frequent traveller by bus did not use public transport for weeks.

Do you think that I am making a mountain out of a molehill? Would you argue that not only women face these problems? My response to you will be this: we are all dealing with the same hell, just different devils. 

This essay is in no way a representation of all the different forms of harassment prevalent across the country and the world.

It is a menace and it is about time we started recognising it and calling out people for their actions.

Silence is not going to achieve anything.

It is time we started using our voice so that at least the future generations can live in a safer, supportive world.

Have a great life Amigos.

And don't forget to use that voice.

My Experience In The Science Stream And With College Applications and Self Acceptance

Wow, it has been 2 months nearly since my last post.
So much has changed, to be honest.
I feel different in many ways.

This post is mainly targeted to those of you who are currently entering class XI and XII.
This is the Story Of My Life, in a way.
And this post contains stuff that I wish someone had told me when I entered class XII.

As you guys might know, I spent my 11th and 12th studying PCM with CS.
And I am planning on pursuing Liberal Arts at university.
I have been offered unconditional offers of admission from Ashoka University, IIT Madras Humanities Programme, Tata Institute of Social Sciences (TISS), Hyderabad Campus, FLAME University and Jindal School of Liberal Arts and Humanities, Jindal Global University (JGU).
I had applied to Christ University and Azim Premji University too but I did not write their entrance exams, so I was disqualified.
Anyway, I am just stating facts here.
And it is just to give you some context.

So, why did I choose Science?
Because I liked it better than my other options.
I truly enjoyed learning my subjects.
But I never scored well.
My 2 years in the Science stream killed my confidence, slowly but surely.

When I was in 10th, I had the opportunity of giving speeches in the Gavel Club, I had a very creative streak which propelled me to write and enjoy my work and so much more.
I enjoyed studying the multiple subjects, the opportunities I had to do seminars, to do activities and also the stress free way in which I wrote my Boards.

In 11th, I had to take a 360 degree turn from my mind set.
Now, everything was about how much marks I got in the cycle tests, Quarterly, Half Yearly, Internal tests, etc.
From studying for enjoyment, it was studying for marks and keywords.
And I truly couldn't cope up with it.
It was also at this point of time that my mother went to UK for a year, leaving me with my father and brother here in Chennai.
It was also at this point of time when I held the post of Assistant Secretary in the Interact Club.
A post that was not recognised officially (I was not an official office bearer according to The Rotary Club), but a post nonetheless.

My creative thoughts were pushed away, I had much more important stuff to focus on, or so I convinced myself.
I realised that I was bad at Math.
For the life of me I could not figure out why I was so bad at calculus and trigonometry while I was good at probability and permutations and combinations.

I couldn't read books for enjoyment anymore.
Any time I started reading a book, it was followed by guilt that I couldn't read/ study my textbooks in the same way with the same amount of enthusiasm that I showed back in 10th.
I was lot less reserved in 11th and 12th, but my open mindedness was becoming too narrow minded for my liking.
Introspection was my favourite escape tool.
I knew something was happening, but I ignored it and considered it insignificant in the larger scheme of things.
I underestimated myself and my abilities.

All around me, I saw all my classmates progressing and scoring better and better.
And as much as I told myself that marks do not define me, I knew that others wouldn't agree.
A small part of me started to feel inferior to all the wonderful smart people around me.
A part that gradually grew bigger and made me very very insecure.
I thought that whenever I did well in anything, it was pure luck and not because of my talent or work.
I did not believe myself to be capable of anything.
Because, if I were indeed smart or talented, I should be scoring well or should be getting more opportunities to showcase them or doing well in at least something, right?

Wrong. High school is a battlefield.
People who deserve things sometimes get way less than what they deserve.
People who don't deserve anything sometimes get way more than what they deserve.
It is all a popularity game, a numbers game.
Number of marks, number of friends/supporters, etc.

When I entered 12th, I was clueless.
I didn't want to do Engineering, I was sure of that.
But there seemed to be no other option for me.
I had too many interests.
I was the English enthusiast and feminist who wanted to study history and political science and do social work and also study computer science and physics and understand child psychology and gender ideologies.
In December or January, I don't remember exactly, there was this career counselling programme conducted by my school.
I came to know about the concept of liberal arts from there.
And I am eternally glad that the career counselling programme happened.
Because, it was only after that that I felt hope that my future won't be as bleak as I imagined it to be.

January is when all my applications started.
And I applied to as many universities as I could i.e. all the universities previously mentioned (since I hadn't even written my boards at that point).
I was told that all of those universities were aspirational.
That there was a very low chance of me getting selected.
And boy, didn't I know that.

I never imagined, 5 months back that I would get into all of them.
5 months back, I was of the opinion that I did not have the brains or talent to get into such prestigious places.
I never applied for universities abroad since I knew it would be too expensive and besides, I knew I wouldn't get in anyway.

In the middle of my practical exams and just before my board exams, I went to all the Personal Interviews, entrance exams, etc that were a part of my admissions process (except for TISS and IIT Madras).
And as I finally got my first unconditional acceptance (JGU) in my hand, I couldn't believe my own good luck.
MY PARENTS WERE THRILLED. MY MOM TOLD ME THAT SHE KNEW I WOULD MAKE IT AND THAT I WAS GOING TO MAKE IT ALL.
I told her that it was just one university and well, who is to say I would get into the others too?
And just like she prophesied, one after the other, I got my unconditional offers from FLAME and Ashoka.
All in the middle of my Boards.

Ashoka had been my first choice and I was beyond happy.
I sent in my acceptance immediately after my boards got over.
You can look at their website ashoka.edu.in to get an idea of why it was my first choice.

My IIT Madras entrance exam, HSEE was on April 16.
I went and wrote it, all the while expecting to not clear the exam.
I wrote the exam for the sake of writing it, just because I had registered.

Same thing happened with the entrance exam for TISS, TISSBAT.

On the day of the results, I told my parents that they shouldn't expect me to clear the exam.
When I saw that I had been accepted into the programmes, my parents couldn't believe their eyes and I was no better.
I refreshed the page ten times in the fear that it would have been a misprint.

I honestly had not expected to get in.
All my thoughts about myself changed.
I realised just how unfair I had been to myself all these years.
How I never gave myself credit.

So what do I have to say to you guys?

Please don't sell yourself short just because you don't believe in yourself.
11th and 12th is going to be tough.
So god damn tough and stressful and it is okay to feel lost.
It is okay to be bad or average at something, it just means you have to continue searching for what you could be potentially excellent in.
There will be people constantly around you who are excelling in something or the other.
You might be one of them or you might not, but don't lose sight of yourself.

2 years later, I am trying to reconnect to the person I had been.
The creative person who impulsively wrote and was inspired to study.
Your younger self is going to be infinitely better in many ways than your current self.
There is no denying it.

Choose what you like and stand by your choices.
But again, parents play a major part in all of this.
I was lucky in the fact that my parents did not raise an eyebrow when I told them I wanted to pursue liberal arts.
When I said I won't accept IIT Madras, they stood by my choices.
They believed in me and trusted me and I am ever grateful for that.
And I know that this is not the case with many parents.

And whenever you feel confused or apprehensive.
Do not lose hope, a year or two back I was in the exact same position as you are in.
It is normal to feel confused, it is normal to feel afraid of what the future will bring.

Some of you might be pretty much decided that you will write JEE or NEET or one of the many exams and get into an IIT or NIT or BITS or AIIMS or some college or the other.
And I respect your career choices, as long as they were YOUR choices and not something forced on you.
Believe it or not, we live in a society where engineering or medicine is seen as the best course to pursue.
But rethink your choices once again and ask yourself whether this is what you really want to do.

Read, read and read some more.
Don't feel guilty when you read something that is not your textbook.
Read up on different topics, find what all topics fire your curiosity and passion.
Don't lose your fire in the race for scoring better marks.
Don't let your marks define how you feel about yourself.

I'm probably not the best person to advice you on this because these are things I am guilty of doing myself.
But somehow, I have gotten my happy ending or should I say a new beginning.
But I don't know how many people will be lucky enough.
And I am trying in my own way to ensure that at least some of you, right now reading this will make better choices than I did.

And always know, that there are people out there who understand you, who have gone through what you're going through right now.
You might not meet them right away or at all, but they do exist.
And your moral compass will never ever point in the wrong direction as long as you have the courage to pick it up in your hands and trust it completely.

And yes, to those of you in twelfth.
Things will work out in their own course of time, trust me.
But please be active, look up on colleges and courses in this break itself.
You won't get the time to do that later.
They might not be what you will pursue later in the future but it never hurts to research on such stuff.

And when you finally do sit in front of google, it can be overwhelming because you don't know where to start.
And it might seem like there's so many things and you might feel lost, again.
But plod on.
Regardless of whether it is useful or not, learn more about the places.
Do it with an open mind.

See the courses offered, facilities offered, etc etc.
I know people who are right now writing entrance exam after entrance exam without truly knowing what the course is like, what the campus is like, etc.

And yes, by the time board exams come you would have read through your textbook so many times for all the exams that preceded it.
So, don't worry too much about how you will be writing the boards next year.
It is stressful, but you'll be prepared for the most part.

Wow, this post has become quite lengthy!
It is almost like Baahubali and I could have taken a leaf out of Rajamouli's books and divided this into two parts.
But then, I don't know where to divide this.

Anyway, to all of you reading this, everything will turn out well in the future, I promise.
Don't stop believing in yourself and your abilities, ever.
I felt some difficulty in writing this post but I am glad this came out.
This is something that I have wanted to say for a very very long time and I am glad that I finally got to say it.

Every time I wanted to speak on this topic, I told myself that I wasn't qualified enough to talk about this.
And I dare say, I'm still not that qualified, but I have met the minimum qualifications.

Thank you for patiently reading through.
I hope this post has some impact on you as that is the only thing I want to achieve out of this.

And also, just one more thing.
My experiences are mine alone and not indicative of the experiences of other students.
There were people who were worser off and people who were much better off and people who were in the same boat as me.

What Feminism Means To Me

Feminism and Feminists.
Two words that have gathered a lot of dirt, even more so recently.
We have had people mocking these words, directly through their words and indirectly through their actions.
We see a lot of pseudo-feminists (is that even a word?) or like people like to call them, the Femi-nazis or the female counterpart of chauvinists.
And then we see a lot of people who get offended for everything that you say.
Let me show you an example.

Consider this line,
'Ladies, get yourself a man who looks at you like I look at food.'

Seems okay, right? NO.
There will be someone who gets offended by this because it apparently 'disregards gay people'.
So I change the sentence.
'Ladies, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But wait, someone will get offended by this too.
"Why should only the ladies get that? Don't men also deserve someone like that?"
So I change the sentence again.
'Ladies and men, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But again, there will be people offended by this too.
"Does everyone need a partner in life? Why can't they be single and perfectly happy and content?"
So I change the sentence, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship, get yourself a partner who looks at you like I look at food.'

But again there will be few people who get offended by this too.
"Well, this is alright but the partner should be approved by your parents and should meet all the criteria they set (like religion, caste, gender, etc. IT IS TRUE).
So I change it, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship, get yourself a partner who is approved by your family and meets all the prerequisite criterion who looks at you like I look at food.'

But there will be people offended by this too.
"Why should people be looking for relationships when they can be looking for better jobs, etc? Our culture does not allow this. They are not allowed to get into a relationship."
So I change it, again.
'Ladies and men who are looking for a relationship and are allowed and free to do so, get yourself a partner who is approved by your family and meets all the prerequisite criterion who looks at you like I look at food.'

My brain is pretty much exhausted at this point.
But the problem is, people will get offended still.
It is as inevitable as say, the sun rising in the East.

And so, this whole exercise was to tell you one thing.
This post is about what Feminism means to ME.
And if you get offended by some things I have to say, don't fight with me.
Because, things will get dirty.
If you can politely put forth your arguments, I promise that I WILL LISTEN.

There are two ways that equality can be achieved.
You either lift women up to the level of men or you bring down men to the level of women.
No one likes the second option, no one likes the first because in a way, both seem to threaten men and their privileges.
Who cares if women have lived without them for a long time.
They survived all these years, why not now?

If a man announces that he is going to change his surname to that of his wife's and that he is going to live with his wife's family, why do people react so much?
It is natural for a woman to leave her family, the people she has grown up with for so long to live with her husband's family.
It is natural that a woman changes the name she has been recognized with for years to a new one that belongs to her husband.
But it is not okay the other way round.
Why does it then, become an identity crisis?

It is acceptable and expected that in a marriage, the man is older than the woman.
Because, he had to take care of his career, right?
For how else can he take care of all the expenses?
The woman does not need a career, she has him.
But then, people will come and admonish her for being a leech, a parasite that lives off her husband's money.
Well, when she was 26 and slowly climbing up the career ladder, YOU were the ones who told her to stop and get married.
And now you are policing her, all the while taking up a moral high ground you have no business taking up.

If a man asks for paternity leave so that he can really, genuinely help take care of his child, why is it met with so much skepticism and scoffs?
Granted, yes, the man did not have the job of pushing out the child, going through much pain.
But that doesn't make him any less responsible.
In fact, it gives him more responsibility because then, he has the job of taking care of not only his child but also its mother.

When men smoke, people just move on after seeing it.
But when a woman does it, she is stared at, pointed at, etc.
Smoking and drinking just because men do it is not feminism.
The thing is, they are harmful to our health.
They don't care about your gender.
If you still want to do it, it is your personal wish and I can't question you for it.
But this is not about you being a man or a woman, it is about you taking an informed decision about your health.

When a man respects his wife, why is she considered to be a lucky woman?
Isn't everyone supposed to be respected?
Why is it that when someone has a 50% women cabinet, he is suddenly a hero?
The thought is a great one, but the thing is, why is it so uncommon to see such acts?

You want to be a house wife, great.
You genuinely like it, then I have no right to question you and your choices.
If I am a working woman, you have no right to look down at me just like how I have no right to look down at you.
We are doing it by choice.
But we have to understand that many women, do not get that choice.
It is most of the time, the compulsion of society, of family and of the work place.
Feminism aims to give these women a choice, a real one.

The fact that we need something like feminism, someone like a feminist is by itself sad.
We shouldn't have to fight for equal rights, equal opportunity, equality in everything.
It is a right, a fundamental one.
A choice, that should have been given, but was not.
And now, when people are slowly realizing and understanding all this and starting to work for it, there are thousands of people blocking the way.
Each one with their own way of perceiving feminism and taking up the duty of policing other women and men who don't seem to come inside their definition.
There is no unique definition.
There is choice. ONLY CHOICE.

Feminism is not only about women.
It is about equality.
But the thing is, women have lived so many years without the rights that men have now come to enjoy and take for granted.
Feminism came because they had to uplift these women to bring about equality.
Equality meant upliftment of women, hence the term 'Feminism'.

Feminists don't disregard the problem faced by men.
They don't consider them as insignificant.
They know and accept that men are half the population and also demand others to acknowledge the fact that there is another half of the population that has been repressed for far too long.

Feminism is about giving women the choices that men have taken for granted all these years.
It tells us that just because one is a man or a woman they are not granted special privileges.
It expects both of them to be able to do the same things (except certain biological functions) without getting undue attention for it, or being met with disdain and opposition.

Feminism is about not being a hypocrite.
It is about not using your rights wrongly (See what I did there?)
At the basic level, it tells us that humans are humans, regardless of their gender, status, birth, sexuality, religion, skin color, etc.
Humans don't have separate rules.
There is no pre-defined way in which society can function.

Times change and women also have the right to be heard.
To work the same jobs as men with the same ease and comfort and peace.
To demand the salary that men would get if they were in the same position.
To demand to keep their job regardless of their pregnancy (as long as they are productive in their jobs).
To have the right to say no.
To not be objectified.
To not be ashamed of their menstrual cycles.
To not be insulted or humiliated for being bold, for their appearance, for their sexuality.
To demand the rights that they have not enjoyed for so long in life just because they were led to believe that it was their lot in life.

The words feminism and feminist have gathered a lot of hate and unwarranted abuse.
When women voice out their troubles, they are accused of playing the victim card, the woman card or one of the thousands of cards with the special powers.
This accusation is a humiliating one in itself.

Feminism does not disregard the problems that men face.
It doesn't call them to be non-existent.
It acknowledges them and wants justice for men too.
So do not let your arguments that "feminists don't care for men", botch what feminism as a whole stands for.

When people complain about men and the thousands of rape cases, etc, many people come up with the hashtags #NotAllMen.
But if one woman wrongly accuses a man of harassment, immediately it is a black spot on all feminists.
Why don't we have a separate hashtag #NotAllWomen?
One false accusation case among thousands of real, genuine cases (not including those that never get revealed) is enough for people to start #IHateFeminism.
I say genuine cases, because in my current rage, my vocabulary fails me.
What thousands of cases don't show, one wrong case shows.

Let women have their share of running the government.
We do not want female dominance.
We do not want male dominance either.
We want equal representation, equal access to opportunity.

When you have sexual harassment cases, the responsibility and blame goes to the victim.
This is true for both men and women.
Is the victim who wears what she wants the person to blame?
Or is it the uncouth barbarian who thought that just because she wore such a dress, she was provoking him, teasing him to make her his in a primal way, to blame?

Menstruation and temples is another huge story.
Yes, every woman menstruates.
Who cares if you're on your period?
No one is going to look inside your pants, unless there is a very pervert person kneeling on the floor.
It does not matter what society thinks.
God gave you this, He knows what happens during periods.
God DOES NOT MIND.
In the end, it is what you think that matters.
If you are fine with the idea of going inside the temple while on your period, stroll in, take the prasadam, do whatever you want and come back out satisfied.
If you don't like the idea personally, it is again YOUR CHOICE.

You want to wax, shave, not wax, not shave, wear a bra, don't wear one, be who you are, do it.
You have the choice.
Feminism is not about bashing people who choose to do what they want.
It is about learning to accept the choices that other people make as part of their personality.
Do not bash your fellow human beings who can have different thoughts than you.
But, different thoughts does not mean something like standing for the oppression of homosexuals, women or men.
Feminism is NOT about oppressing people because they are a certain way.
You accept everyone, give them the same footing and base and let them figure out their life on their own.

CHOICE, CHOICE, CHOICE.
Choice is fine, you have the right to choose for yourself.
Provided, that you do not take away the rights and choice of another person.
This comes because some retarded people might use what I said to justify that rape was the choice of the rapist.

You wanting to wear a short dress does not make you any less or greater a feminist than a person wanting to wear a dress that fully covers them up.
If a woman wants to get marries at age 20, let her be and do not judge her.
If a woman is unmarried even at 35, let her be and do not judge her.
If a woman wants to abort her baby if she requires it, let her make the choice.
Is someone wants a divorce from their spouse, let them get it.
It is their choice, their life.
Don't guilt trip them, mock them, insult them, blackmail them.
Accept their choices because they don't affect you.
Feminism is only about choice, equal choice in whatever issues that have an impact on us.

I have never been able to understand the term progressive feminist.
Being a feminist means that you are progressive.
You are fighting for a better future for everyone, regardless of their birth.
You are fighting for the past, the present and the future.
You are fighting to bring about progress in our dream of a world where all humans are equal, really and truly.
You cannot be a non progressive feminist. It is an oxymoron.

Also I have mentioned extensively about men and women.
I would also like to add homosexuals to that, because they are humans too.
Feminism stands for them too.
It stands by them, their views, dreams and interests.
They deserve to live life without being discriminated.
Homophobia is true, relevant and very much prevalent.
Feminism also fights against these.

These are the views on feminism by a 16 year old who still has a lot to see in the world.
But in my limited experiences and the volume of things I read and learn about, these are what I believe feminism stands for.
What I stand for.

If I have offended anyone with my usage of words, I am not sorry.
I am not looking to be politically correct and all flowery language.
Given the recent bashing feminists get, I wanted to tell what these two words meant to me.
These are what I believe in, what I stand for, what I will fight for.
Equality is not a one way street and feminism aims to tackle that exact same problem.

Why It's Okay To Be Unseen

Light cannot be seen.
This is a one hundred percent true, scientifically correct, FACT.
You can sense light, perceive it and feel the effects of it, but you CANNOT SEE it.

And you might strongly believe the contrary, because that's what your brain has been trained to think.
That being seen is what makes someone valuable.
And that something like light, which illuminates everything around us and gives us the power of sight, is something that just cannot be unseen.
Because being unseen is wrong and is a tell tale sign that you are unsuccessful, and light is NOT UNSUCCESSFUL.

Because, light is light and without it, we can't quite possibly live.

But the truth is the truth, and the truth is that light cannot be seen and there's nothing you and I can do about it.
Light, though it is unseen, is powerful enough to light up the universe.
It has the power to uplift spirits- the metaphorical light at the end of the tunnel
It gives a sense of security and courage.
It gives one HOPE.
And all this, it does even though it's unseen.

We all have an inner light, a glow that illuminates us in the face of challenges.
A fighting spirit under a bright halo, a beautiful soul just waiting to be set free.
A light that will never diminish even in times of need and darkness.
A light that is unfortunately, always left unseen.

In a world where being seen is of top priority.
Where being successful is the main objective.
Be someone valuable, someone who even though unseen can make a whole lot of a difference.

It's okay if you feel that no one knows of your inner potential.
They don't need to.
Only you need to know your worth and continue making a difference.
And one day, you will realize that it is the unseen people who are the unsung heroes.
The building blocks of the future world.

For all that we might say that we can't see light...
We often forget that we can't see without light either.
And in a world of flashy colors and people, you have to understand, it is the light which makes these visible.
Colors, after all cannot be seen in the dark.

As I tell all this, I have to also confess that this is a relatively new thing that I thought about.
I am a person who comes up with random theories and philosophies at different points of time.
Few of them, I forget almost immediately after I come up with them.
But most of them, I keep on churning around in my head till it solidifies and becomes a personal belief.

And this philosophy, about being unseen is my most favorite one yet.
I like it especially because it gives me comfort.
That, whatever work I am doing, as long as I know of it, it's enough.
That I don't need external validation or recognition right now.

I have gotten over the fact that no one seems to recognize me.
I am content to sit in the background and let the other colors shine.
And I believe that my work, whatever I am doing at the moment will one day make a difference.
And I am willing to wait for it
Because, even though light is the fastest thing in the universe, it still takes 4.243 years to reach Proxima Centauri- our nearest star after the Sun.
(This was a random fun fact. It just felt right to add it here. BTW, if light takes 4.243 years, the distance is 4.243 light years which is approximately 40,000 billion kilometers. See? it is really fast!)
Sorry about that :)

So bring it on, 2017!
I have gone through the worst of 2015 and 2016.
I don't think you'll be more worse.

There are two important thoughts that I want to end this with.

"Once you've hit rock bottom, there is nowhere else to go but up"
Set your rock bottom level to where you are right now.
And start your upward journey, because you can.
And this might seem really fake, but you are worth whatever is at the top.
And all you need to do is put in some work to get there.

"Hakuna Matata- it means no worries, for the rest of your days, it's our problem free philosophy"
There is nothing that is really worth losing your sleep over.
There will be people behind you, telling you about your exams, how you need to work hard and all.
Yes, work hard but not to the point of becoming so stressed and worried that even the smallest of things sets you on the edge and gets you to burst.
There really is nothing, nothing that you should get so worried about.

And also one more thing.
I'm repeating myself from before.

Remember that light is invisible, it is unseen.
And the next time you feel sad or under appreciated or invisible, always remember why you're doing the job.
If you are doing it because you like it, then don't feel like you're invisible.
Feel like you are invincible.
That you are valuable and that you are making a difference, no matter how small or big.

Happy New Year amigos!
Have a great year and hope to be with you all in what is going to be a great upward journey.
No, not upward into Heaven or Hell.

Okay, this is me bidding farewell to this year.
Next year will be better.

"I feel it, in my belly"
- Santa Claus from the movie Rise of the Guardians (2012)

Of Inferiority Complexes and More

It's taken a long time for me to write here in my blog.
My only excuse is that I have been too busy.
Sometimes so busy that I fail to understand why I am in such a mess in the first place.

Why am I doing all this?
What am I doing?
What is there to gain here?
What am I learning?
How on earth is any of this helping me, scoring marks not included?
The answer's probably that no one knows and they just go through with this one year of torture just because they have been convinced that that's the way of life.

Oh well, who am I but one insignificant student among lakhs of students who honestly just don't want all this in their life.

Inferiority complex is something I must guess everyone is quite familiar with.
If you aren't, ie. if you haven't felt it before, then thank your stars and count your blessings for my child, you have truly been blessed.

Others, we're not so lucky.

Oh, the pain of wanting to be like someone else.
Of always feeling like there's this invisible scale hanging near your head that constantly measures you and declares you unfit just because you missed the limit by a few millimeters.
Of feeling like you don't belong and that no one will understand all that you're feeling.
Of feeling misunderstood, underappreciated, under respected, and under rated, just the feeling of being somehow lesser than others around you.

This is for you,
You, who is going through darkness and feeling sad and mad and a thousand other negative feelings.
You, who knows that this phase is hampering your work but can't break out of it, trust me I have been there quite a lot in recent times.
You, who thinks that there's no light at the end of the tunnel, don't give up, because while it may be true right now, it won't be always and there will come a time when the light shows itself and you'll be glad you pulled through.
You, who is finding yourself wishing that things were somehow DIFFERENT, that YOU were DIFFERENT.

Almost everyone wishes to be a different person at some stage in their life.
I wish to be a few people who I admire and still feel a bit jealous of.
And I know that I'll never get to be that person, but hey, a dream is a dream and the heart wants what it wants.

You might wish to be that super beautiful girl/ boy in class or outside.
You might wish to be the talented singer/dancer/whatever in class or outside.
You might wish to be that confident lady/man you saw on TV the other day.
You might wish to be anybody that caught your attention because of something they did.

It's basic human nature to pull oneself down from too much hoping because believe it or not, you might hate me for this, but the real world is a cruel place, and not always do you get what you hoped for.
And we are essentially trying to survive in this whole colossal mess that's our society and to survive means to be safe and to be safe means to be content and to be content means to hope less and expect less.
Because when you expect less, and you inevitably get more, you're bound to feel happy.

Take an exam for example,
Today I had a Chemistry exam and when I went there in the morning, I mentally prepared myself to accept the fact that I was going to pass slightly above average, my preparation really went through my head, nothing stuck.
And when I walked out, I knew I had done better than what I had expected to do and that put me at ease and gave me a sort of happiness that cannot be expressed, only felt.

Quite recently, the whole of August to be exact, I went through quite a rough patch filled with insecurities, a sense of depression, repression, feeling overwhelmed, frustrated and rage filled, it was horrible.
And it is taking me quite a lot of my willpower to make myself stop the list here.
And for a time period, it was like only darkness surrounded me.
It reflected on everything I did, quite unintentionally, in my poems, in my conversations with my family, in about everything.
And I had to resort to writing a lot of my frustrations out on paper and also to meet the school counselor and to distract myself by singing till my voice was hoarse.
My relationship with my mom was strained and I could do nothing about anything.

And I did break out of it, I am not completely free from it because insecurities are insecurities, you can fight them and oppose them but never can you make them vanish.
They will continue to exist in a corner of your mind always, the best you can do is accept it as it is and move on.
And that is what I did.

And I noticed an effect almost immediately.
I had an inspiration to write a happy poem.
Those of you who have read my poems before will know that they are slightly emotional, raw and slightly sad.
And well, that was like a sign from above that things are going to be better and it improved my spirits quite well.

And of course I had to write this post to talk about that time in my life because I don't really know just how many of you could be facing a similar situation.
And I wanted to tell people that everything is going to work out just fine and that we all have an infinite capacity for happiness and that it's truly in our hands to decide whether to be happy or not.
And that cliche as it may seem, there's always light at the end of the tunnel, you just need the patience to get through to the other side.

I guess, I'll leave you with that poem I wrote.
It is very basic and simple (don't expect Shakespearean and flowery language, that is NOT my style)

---------------------------------------------

Smile!
Pull the ends of your mouth
Wide enough to touch your ears
Showing all your teeth
Yes, Twinkle your eyes
Furrow your eyebrows
Throw your hair back

Let the warmth fill you up
Let the fuzziness start
And make you gasp for breath

Smile, laugh and giggle
Till your heart's jumping
Till you feel ready to collapse

Let your eyes tear up
And laugh for all you have
Slap someone's arm and
Cover your face in shyness

Jump and do that goofball dance
Oh you magnificent 'high'ness

Forget the worries
Relive the good memories
Rejoice, for you have
Crossed the storm

Written by: Yashasvi Arunkumar, 16 years old
-------------------------------------------------
Have a great life amigos!

Introspection and a State of Calm

Oh, this has taken a long time than I anticipated.
One month of nearly no thought of studying can lead to a lot of introspection.
Not that I didn't have things to study, more like the cool weather made it increasingly difficult to concentrate on math and physics and easier to just lay back comfortably on the sofa and dream.

Have you ever felt that overwhelming feeling of calm?
That peace, that quiet, and then you're suddenly pulled away from it and you don't know what you actually want?
The calm before the storm, really.

I could have sworn a month or so back that my primary aim in life was to become an animator, that I had a well defined path in mind.
But right now, as I think about it all, I'm not so sure.

It's funny when you build up so much stuff in your mind that you actually start living in them.
And then reality is like "Hello buddy, like it or not, that dream of yours isn't gonna happen quite so soon. You got to work for it." and then Whoosh! everything is back to square one.
No progress, nil, nada!

It's just very difficult to find your 'calling' in life.
That one thing you are most interested in, you most desperately wish with all your heart, and then suddenly it isn't that anymore.
We are restless creatures, when one thing loses it's mystical glow, we hop to the next 'big' thing.
Once we've satisfied our own curiosities, we quickly lose interest.

Except that ONE thing...
That one thing that you'll never stop yearning for.
That one thing you'll never replace with anything else.
And in the search of that one thing, maybe all our mistakes are justified...
All that desertion might be excused...

They are justfied, they would be justified, they must be justified, atleast I hope that they are justified.

I don't know, I think so, I hope so.

Introspection is a very strange thing.
It makes you open your eyes to your faults that you once believed were virtues.
It makes you open your eyes to your virtues that you once believed to be faults.
It makes you confused yet clearer than before.

Look at this post for example, the whole thing is a confused mess of words and paragraphs, seemingly making no sense, no connection whatsoever but somehow they make sense. (to me, atleast)

The unconnected paragraphs kind of describe my current state of mind.
So much to think about, but no proper way to express them.
And it's extremely weird that right now words fail to flow, like they were supposed to.

But I will write this out, if not for people reading them, but for my own peace of mind.

My thoughts are not about whether this post will be relatable and pleasing to read.
It is for me to clear out my own cluttered thoughts and memories in the hope that the next year starts on a clean slate.

I am unapologetic if this post didn't meet your expectations.
I wasn't aiming to meet them at all.

PS: I appreciate people who say that I could write about some less serious stuff.
I do know that I would probably interest more people if my posts were humorous.
But the thing is, I don't do much humor writing.
My type of humor is mostly a sort of sarcastic, dry humor that even the most jovial and giggly of persons might find difficult to laugh at.

The Mind of A Less Than Confident Teenager

I'm not a confident person (even if few people may disagree).

And my life consists of a routine of constant self reassurance that I am going to survive whatever the world decides to dump on me.

That said, confidence never did really come to me easily.

I am shy and I tend to talk too much to hide my discomfort.

And I know that while I talk or give speeches, I am this completely new person.

A person I want to be 24/7. 

Sadly, fate has a brain of it's own.

Any person who is less than confident of their abilities will be able to relate to this feeling.

The feeling when you know the correct answer to something and you don't open your mouth.

You are hyperventilating just before an exam starts about how you forgot everything.

You constantly doubt about yourself and whether you'll be good enough.

You send a text to someone and when they don't reply, you constantly worry if they thought of you badly.

I have a name for these type of people (me, included). 

Less than confident people...

 

They need others to have confidence in them more than themselves.

And if they ever learn that someone lost their confidence in them, it reduces their self worth even more below from where it was.

Sadly, no one knows the internal dilemma these people face. 

They do come across as being extremely needy, someone who just has to get the approval of everyone else.

What others don't realize is, for these people the approval of others matter the most.

Only if they get that do they approve of themselves.

And this is harmful, to them.

These people constantly find themselves reassuring others that the others are great, in the hope that the kind words will get reciprocated.

But it doesn't get reciprocated most of the time and this does lead them to re-evaluate themselves and the re-evaluation results are much worse than before.

For them, everything is a test. 

Everything that happens in their life is a test to find out their true qualities, their true nature, their true capabilities, a test to let them prove themselves worthy of where they are stationed in life.

Everything happens for a reason and everything they do reflects the complex nature of their hearts.

They believe in equality and recognition for hard work.

And because of their less confident nature, find themselves not recognized.

But they'll take the blame on themselves saying that they didn't work hard enough.

They just did not have the confidence.

These people dream of a day when someone will come along and look at them for them and recognize their efforts.

For them, each day is a new day to wait for that knight in shining armour. Knight being both female and male, no gender disparity there.

They constantly have a new person to get approval from, it could be a teacher, a family member, a school mate, a close friend, or anybody. 

Sometimes it can also be from someone they just met while travelling or while they went to some place.

The life of a less than confident teenager is complex.

A person who is naturally confident and has the brains, looks and self- belief can never understand the simple struggle of deciding whether what they did was right or wrong.

Self doubt forms an integral part of the life of these less than confident people. 

Less than confident teenager was just a phrase I made up.

Shy would have been the correct name, but the type of people I am talking about rarely come up as shy. 

They are confident but not confident.

They are sure yet unsure.

They are needy yet independent.

They want approval yet they don't care (or so they make you think).

They are the very essence of contradictory thoughts. 

Some might even go as far to say, they have split personality disorder.

You know in all those cartoons, say T&J (Tom and Jerry, in case you didn't know), Tom has these two mini toms coming on his shoulder now and then. 

The calm, shy one and the reckless, confident one. 

These two personalities make up the character of a less than confident person.

The calm, shy one is there most of the time but the confident one comes up in the most worst of times, thereby resulting in humiliation and thereby pushing the person back to their calm shy personality. 

Well, it's not like this is a disease or something, but it can sometimes seriously hamper your productivity.

And this is where the routine I mentioned first, comes into the picture.

Reassuring yourself everyday that you're worth it and that you're a survivor is not going to magically increase your confidence.

No, not happening.

But it will slowly make you less doubtful about yourself.

Yeah, granted you're not going to become fully confident, but hey, this is your personality.

You are maintaining your own personality, you are just ensuring that it doesn't affect you, productivity wise.

Take a few minutes everyday after you wake up to tell yourself that this day is going to be great.

That you survived the previous day, why not today too?

That you are worth it and that the decisions you took the day before are perfectly fine, not something to be ashamed of.

Convince yourself that everything that's happened in your life have made you a better person.

Granted, a week down the lane, you might not feel that much of a difference, but a month later, you will.

I tell this because I've done it, I am doing it and I'll continue to do it.

Who doesn't like to give themselves a pat on the shoulder? 

Have a great life amigos! 

Dealing With the Bullying

It has happened to you.

It has happened to me.

It's happened to anyone you see who has completed schooling in a school (as in, not home- schooled).

And as much as we'd like to say that we got out of it like a boss with zero tears shed, we all know the truth.

Guy or girl, we've all shed tears over bullying.

Age 3 or age 17, we've all seen bullying.

It could have started off as a small comment among close friends at the age of three, that became a full fledged hate war at the age of sixteen.

And believe it or not, they make interesting story- lines for well, stories, movies, etc etc.

It could have started because you couldn't catch up in studies with the rest of the class.

It could have started because you sucked, big time, at sports.

It could have started because you still acted like a kid at the age of 14 (which is if you ask me, still the age of a kid. One can never fully become an adult.).

It could have started because you looked different than the others, and I mean it color wise, body wise, mind wise, clothing wise, etc etc.

It could have started because you behaved horribly to a group of people, who then decided to make your life living hell as revenge (though this is most likely to be seen in overly dramatized and traumatizing teenage movies, one of the millions that are available in YouTube. Not that I saw any of them, no.)

Ok, you got me, I did watch one of those movies which did get me thinking about this.

But I just didn't tell you that, so CTRL+A+DEL.

I have faced bullying at the tender age of 10/11/12. 

I'd like to say that the three years were a learning curve that led me to understand more about myself.

But the truth is, I was a full time cry baby who once cried because in 2012, some idiot made up a rumor that the world was going to get destroyed.

And no, that didn't happen because here I am in 2016 talking so boldly.

At that age when everyone was so naturally awkward around each other, the best escape route was bullying.

And the poor old victims, ie. myself, came out wiser, braver and ultimately better.

No offense to the others though.

How did I come out?

Well, it was fairly simple. 

I stood up for myself, made weird, funny faces at them and yes, I just spoke out.

And it stopped, it did.

If anyone were to look at me now, they can't believe that this blabbering, bumbling, babbling baboon was actually a very quiet person who rarely opened her mouth outside her house.

That's the whole thing about bullying.

It quiets you down and makes you insecure and lose your self esteem.

It tests your patience.

It goes on and on.

And trust me, even though people might say that being quiet is the best way to handle it, it's all smooth sailing unless one of the bullies crosses the line too much.

And then it's a full on fight.

And it's not pleasant to look at.

Standing up for yourself is the best thing one can do.

Believe in yourself and if what they say gets to you, just turn around, make weird faces at them in front of them and behind them and the things they say become a huge colossal joke instead of an insult.

I should know. 

Once my mother 'innocently' commented that my face was one day going to get permanently set in one of the many weird faces I have perfected till date.

It never fails to creep me out, especially after I read this Enid Blyton short story about the same.

So yeah, perfect that nonsensical look, turn to them, give them the weirdest face you can muster and they'll be so weirded out that they won't trouble you again.

And yeah, if that doesn't work, just turn around and don't care what they say.

Few years from now, you could be a CEO and they could be selling fries at McDonald's.

You never know.

Well, maybe I've become a bad influence...

Nah, what I say is a one hundred percent working formula to deal with bullying.

Just be yourself, be comfortable and if they cross the line, go fight them back.

Otherwise just forget them.

Dogs bark at the sun, but does the sun bark back at the dogs? (Weird analogy, I know)

Be the sun, immortal, bright and a never ending source of energy.

Let the dogs come and go. their barking isn't going to stop you from shining.

Dealing with bullying is much easier than you'd expect.

Get yourself a person who'd listen, patiently, to your ranting.

In my case, I was extremely lucky to have my mom and grandma.

Go to that person with whatever that troubles you.

Yeah, they can't solve your problems for you, that's for you to figure out on your own.

But they can help you get a clearer mind and any weight is easier to bear if two people carry it.

Go put on that killer smile and have your weird face ready at hand.

Don't let their words and action disturb you, instead have a good laugh at it.

So yeah, enjoy life!!

Oh yeah, before I end this post.
I was extremely surprised and glad today when I saw that this blog has crossed 1000 page views.
You might think that it's not that much, but it means the world to me.
Thank you, each and every one of you for this huge huge honor.
I'm really grateful :).

Till later amigos.

PS: You might have wondered why I say amigos after almost every post...

I am a huge fan of Dora The Explorer. I can't help it. When I grew old enough to stop watching it, my brother was the age of watching it. So there. I am quite sheepish about it, but cartoons are the only good thing to have ever come on TV. That's a fact.

Learning to Say Good Bye

It's funny now that I see it, that my 13th post is the one I'm writing after my biggest test.
I'm currently on a train, going to my grandma's house to hopefully enjoy my last few days of freedom.
Oh wait, results are yet to come...

How to deal with the exam pressure?
Buddy, if I had known that myself, I wouldn't have spent a better part of my available studying time crying to my mom over FaceTime. [I've mentally resolved myself that it's not going to happen ever again]

But, I have learnt one thing, how to say goodbye.

Goodbye, eleventh standard! (Good Riddance!)
Goodbye, getting full marks in any subject! (Boohoo! Nah, not really)
Goodbye, free days because believe it or not, I am in twelfth now.
La Twelfth, the big year, the year where it's all work and no play (apparently so)...
Goodbye, to all the worries that troubled me this past one year.
The coming year is new, untested and exciting.

It's very difficult to say goodbye to the good things in life.
We get attached to them and when it's time to say bye, we end up getting hurt.
We are all basically creatures of habit.
Testing the unknown simultaneously excites and terrifies us.
And we try our level best to keep things under our control, and when it doesn't happen that way, it depresses us and pushes us to tears that sometimes are just not worth shedding.

This comes after reading so much about this year's really tough CBSE Mathematics paper.
When a person puts in so much work only for it to go waste, it is something completely heartbreaking and when it's your future that's getting the brunt of the impact, it is downright depressing and demotivating.

I can't claim to have had previous experience in these kind of issues.
I'm no expert, I am yet to go through all that emotional trauma (and a small selfish part of me hopes that I never ever go through anything traumatic, ever in my life).

But one thing that I know is really important to go through with life.
Learning to say goodbye.
Learning to say goodbye to all the previous bad experiences.
Learning to say goodbye to few people.
Learning to say goodbye to dreams and aspirations that went bad.
And learning to use that goodbye as a crutch to pull yourself up.

Really, saying goodbye is so many things at the same time.
Confusing, traumatic, tough, easy, complicated, troubling, bad, good, inspiring and a lot more.
But, you will be much better off without the weight of your previous mistakes on your shoulders.
Only, if you get the courage to say good bye.

Throw them out of the window.
Bid them a hearty goodbye.
Look at what to do next.
Get to the next step.

All your mistakes might define you now, but once you've rubbed your slate clean, what you write again is what defines you.
Learn from the mistakes, but don't carry them forward.
Some things are meant to be forgotten and are better when left behind.
Learn to say goodbye.

I know this one is completely not my usual way of writing.
But the amount of suicide comments, etc etc really triggered something in me.

This one is for all those students out there, who feel like life has ended because of a few bad experiences.

This is just a temporary turbulence in your flight.
Don't let it crash your plane.
There are so many things out there in the world.
Your marks don't define you.
And when you've had a really bad day, think of those who could've had worse.

If you would die just for marks, what about all those people in warring countries who fight to live even when their whole country wants them to die?
This isn't the end of the road.
There's still so much to do, to live, to see, to enjoy and appreciate.

I hope you understand this.
Don't let anything and anybody drive you to destroy yourself.
It'll destroy not only you, but the whole spirit of your family, friends and even the country.

I don't know what else to say, I really don't.

Regrets... I've Had Them, You've Had Them, Who Hasn't??

Regrets... Ever had them?
Wrong question to ask...
Of course, you would have had them.

"NOOOO!!! I ticked the correct answer and then changed it last minute..."
"I could have given my name for that competition, I would have done a lot better..."
"Why did I lash out at my mom for my own problems?"

Needless to say, there's a steady flow of regrets in everyone's lives.
You regret doing a few stuff, you regret saying some stuff and sometimes you might even regret ever being born...
No, it's completely true, trust me.

Here's what I want to say.
I had gone to this camp for two days.
My only thoughts before going? To have the least number of regrets when I get back.

Needless to say, that worked out pretty well because I generally knew what I would regret and I tried to make sure I didn't do the same mistakes again.
But then, not everyone would probably have as much as time as me to go into self- discovery mode.
And all you unfortunate souls would regret stuff for the rest of your life.

Living regret-free is as possible as travelling at the speed of light.
You can't blame me for these science references, a close friend is a bit of science freak.
Her name is Sanjana and you can look up her blog by clicking the link at the end of the post.

Now we've come to the conclusion that living regret- free is err... IMPOSSIBLE!

No one can ever claim that they've led a regret- free life.
Even the biggest paragons of virtue will have some regret, I mean it.
And because we are all far from that category, we have to have some regrets.

I regret not being close with a lot of my previous close friends turned ex- close friends turned acquaintances turned strangers.
I regret cutting my hair to shoulder length and I regret wearing that same faded pant and shirt everyday in my house.
I'm pretty sure you don't want me to go on and on because I sure have a huge list of regrets.

Let's talk about some common regrets that I feel almost everyone might have.
If you have them too, then I'd be glad to know that I'm not some crazy weirdo to have all these regrets when no one else does.

REGRET NUMBER 1:
Making that horrible decision during a test to correct your correct answer to a wrong one just because your so- called Know-It-All friend got that answer.

"Did you get 45 as the answer?"
"No, I got 142 as the answer. I did this sum already while practicing for the test so I know this is the correct answer."
"Ok, 142 it is."

"The correct answer is 45! Why did I even trust you??"

REGRET NUMBER 2:
Committing a huge fashion blunder and driving people around you to consider suicide.

"I cut my hair! Whoosh! See!"
"MY EYES!!! I'M BLIND!!!KILL ME NOW!!"

REGRET NUMBER 3:
Making that joke in a group expecting people to laugh but no one does and you're feeling the awkwardness.

"And the the next leg to land on the moon was also Neil Armstrong's! You get it?"
"..........."
"HA! HA! Ha! ha? ha........"

REGRET NUMBER 4:
Getting the small popcorn at the beginning of the movie thinking it'll be enough for you and finishing it even before the intermission and feeling extremely sad that you didn't buy a large.

REGRET NUMBER 5:
Figuring out an answer in class but not answering for fear that it might be wrong and half an hour later another kid yells out the same answer and gets the praise.

'I found it out half an hour ago, you filthy little mudblood!'

REGRET NUMBER 6:
Making that movie/book/TV series reference that no one gets and you regret not bringing your best friend with you then.

"Who are you? You're a girl! Get it? It's that line from Baahubali! OK, never mind. I wish my best friend was here!"

REGRET NUMBER 7:
Planning on finishing all your work but then wasting the day doing meaningless stuff and regretting having to do a lot of work the next day.

REGRET NUMBER 8:
Making awesome plans but ending up cancelling them because you forgot you had a class that day.

Well, maybe I could go on and on, but I guess, I'll probably kill you all.

But I'll just tell you this...
Live life as it comes.
If you want to do something, do it without fearing about what will happen next.
Worst case scenario, you fail.
But, the experience will be worth it, if all those quotes by famous people are to be believed.

Phew!
I'd been wanting to write about this for a while now and I just got the time to finally complete the draft and post it.
Well, I've completed 12 posts now.
I know that it isn't a milestone like 10th or 50th or 100th but, considering that 12 is technically a huge part of our life considering the fact that it is half a day, etc etc.

So, I'm glad I made it.
For those people who've always been a good support to me and my writing, a huge thank you.
You guys are a huge part of my life just like 12 is a huge part of a day.
Now that the cheesiness is over, have a great life!

Till then,
Bye Amigos!

PS: Here's the link to my friend's blog
Sanjana's Blog

Maybe I'm Not The Person You Think I Am

So, this is going to be a more of a "letting my feelings out" kind of post.
If you don't want to know about me, then please go back to whatever you were doing before.
If you do want to know about me, then read on.

My grandfather doesn't want me to write.
He thinks I'm wasting my time.
He asks me what is the use of writing a blog and letting other people read it.
He asks me what I'd do if people who read my blog misuse my content or my account.
He worries that I'll get into trouble and mess up.
He doesn't want to try read my blog.

My dad has never read anything I've ever wrote and he doesn't understand what a blog means.
I mean, he obviously cares for me but just not in the way I expect him to.
My dream dad would have been the first to read my blog posts and comment to me that I was doing a great job.
But my dad thinks that I'm using someone else's (Blogger by Google) web space for free without paying for my own web space to have my own website.

My grandma tries to read my stuff but she doesn't know English that well or rather she isn't that confident of her own English comprehending skills.

My mom is busy with her own set of problems about managing on her own in UK.
Besides, she also has a very important exam coming up and she doesn't have the time to read what I write.

I guess that's why I like to share my blog link in FaceBook.
So that more people will see my blog and that atleast one of them would come back to me and say "Good job, bud".

I don't know if the fact that I crave for some sort of recognition for my writing makes me a bad person.
All I know is that I want someone to think that what I write isn't a whole pile of bullshit and that it actually helps someone feel better.

Till now, I've never understood if people are just scared to talk to me or if it's just an excuse to NOT talk to me.
I don't know if I'm actually an irritating and unpleasant person or if it's just the way I'm projected to be.
I don't know how I write.
I don't know if what I do makes sense to others.
I don't know anything about things that I've never gone through and I constantly worry whether it makes me a bad and selfish person.

I've never been great in anything.
There was always someone better, more improvised and more liked.
This is both family wise and school wise.

The day my brother was born was the day I started what has grown to be a huge inferiority complex.
I don't resent my brother, no not at all.
In fact, I love him a lot because that's just the type of person he is.
Anyone who meets him, likes him and I am no different.
That day in the hospital when he held my tiny finger in his even tinier hand, I knew that I'd love him even if others don't.
But then, everyone did love him, just a lot lot more than I could ever expect to be loved.

If this wasn't enough, I soon realised another thing.
Everyone I knew in school had suddenly grown up while I still held on to my childhood dreams and innocence.
Everyone seemed to think that maybe I wasn't really needed anymore.
Therein started my huge desire to get recognised and to inspire a lot of people.

I didn't have any noticeable features and traits.
I was just another person in the whole school.
I had friends, I spoke to them but never went beyond making lame jokes.
In fact, this is the first time I'm actually confessing my feelings to someone or rather everyone.

I started to get comfortable there when the next realisation came, I had to move.
My carefree life had ended and in came 11th with it's own share of problems and chaos.
All the things I'd thought I was comfortable with became uncomfortable.
The people I considered my closest friends became just another page in my slam book and journal.

Before you decide that this post is a sob story, I have to tell you one thing.
I did have my fun.
I got selected as the Assistant Secretary of my school's Interact Club and I was Ok, maybe this thing wouldn't be so bad.

I wasn't wrong. I had my own things to do.
I started writing again.
I am quite happy.

Yes, there are people who are way better than me in many things.
There are people who are way less than me in many things.
There are people without whom I can't live (my mom, my grandma and my brother and in some way my grandfather and dad too).

Maybe just maybe, I would get to live that life.
Maybe one day, I'd get recognised.
Maybe one day, I'll inspire lots of people and do something good to the world.
Maybe one day, I'll find that being me was the best way to make someone love me and care for me.
Maybe one day, I'll look back to this post and think about how it came to be.

Till that one day, I'll be waiting.

Sometimes with a frown, sometimes with a smile
Sometimes with tears that can be seen from a mile.
I'll be waiting for that one day.

Because, that's what we all do best.

Dreams... They'll Cheer You Up! No, Seriously

First of all...
Happy New Year everyone!
Let this year be better than all your previous ones put together.
It's currently 12 am in India and I am super glad that I woke up just in time to post this one.

So, like you might or might not know, this blog was something I started out of boredom during one holiday.
Now, it's become quite a passion for me and I'm very glad that people show appreciation for my writing.

Back to what I want to say.

I'm a dreamer.
I like to dream about my future,
about my life,
about my favourite on- screen pairings in my favourite TV shows,
about the latest book I've read,
about the movies I've watched,
about anything that makes me feel all fuzzy and cozy inside.

Everyone dreams, it's like the single most common thing every human has other than the fact that we all originated from a single- celled organism billions and billions of years ago.

Some dream of the success they're going to achieve in the near or far future.
Some dream about their secret love, actual love, non- existent love, future love, something like that.
Some dream about events that are going to take place in the near future (like meeting up with close friends after a LONG time).
Some just dream meaningless stuff.
And some dream that their worst nemesis just gets a transfer to another school. (Admit it, you've had that thought some time or the other.)
And some extra great people dream about the world and how to make it a better place and about their school subjects. (I'm sure I am one of them, sometimes.)

But then, everyone just dreams about something or the other.

Before you think that I'm some sort of weirdo to talk so much and still make some sort of sense, I'll tell you this.

I'm no different than your average fifteen year old girl from India.
I have almost the same wishes and expectations as you might.
And trust me, Santa aka Parents didn't give me any presents for my good, un- rebellious behaviour.
No actually, strike that. They didn't give me any presents at all.
Now, that's mean because even Santa gives coal to the mischievous ones.

Now, before we go off track, again, let's clear up some things about dreaming in general.

You can dream while you're asleep at night. (But, you won't remember most of it.)
You can dream during a particularly boring day or just any day for that matter while you're half asleep. (It's called day dreaming.)
You can dream unconsciously without even being aware of it till someone comes and waves a hand in front of your face. (Can also be called as zoning out.)
You can just dream. (Like planning about what you're going to do later in life or about what you're going to do the next day)

DREAMING ISN'T BAD. Dot.
People might say that you have your head up in the clouds in one dream world or the other.
Be glad you have that kind of imagination.
To dream, is no big deal but to actually live there is like, wow!

DREAMING IS NOT A DISTRACTION. Dot.
Hey, it's more like a reality check and it sort of inspires you to go there and achieve what you had in your dreams.
Distraction? Not at all. More like a break from the Mean, Cruel and Ugly REAL WORLD.

DREAMING DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE LAZY. Dot.
Dreaming requires significant brain usage that uses up your energy.
If anything at all, dreaming means you have an active brain and an active brain is much better than a dormant one.
You DON'T want to be a living zombie.

DREAMING IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. Dot.
Some people look like they're dreaming all the time while the others are good at hiding it.
In the end, everyone dreams, not just while sleeping but also while they're wide awake.

DREAMING ABOUT MEANINGLESS STUFF DOESN'T MAKE YOU WEIRD. Dot.
I sometimes find myself dreaming about a song's lyrics.
Want an example? "Oh maha Zeeya Oho Maha Zeeya..."
Does it make sense? Nope, not at all.

DREAMING THAT YOU'LL BE SOMEONE YOU AREN'T MEANS THAT SOCIETY HAS GOT TO YOU. Dot.
We all find ourselves in this situation.
Fat people dream of being Thin.
Average kids dream of being Whiz Kids.
Poor kids dream of being Rich.
Monkeys dream of being People. Oh sorry, that was a mistake.

Monkeys DON'T dream of becoming people because they aren't pressured by their peers to become one.
Some extra Seventh Sense seems to tell them that being human isn't so great after all.

Too bad, we don't have both the No Peer Pressure thing AND the Seventh Sense thing.
So, it's us poor humans with dreams that could probably end up ruining us.

If you've read my Accept Yourself For Who You Are post, you'll understand what I mean.
If you haven't, then do read it after you've finished this one.

DREAMING IS OK.
As long as you dream of being a better, improved version of yourself.
Not the misguided way others and society want you to be.

DREAMING IS OK.
As long as you don't FORGET your real world because whether you like it or not, the real world is where you are and you have to learn to deal with it.

DREAMING IS OK.
As long as you know your limits and don't end up hurting yourself.
I should know, dreaming out of limits hurts like hell when it's reality time and takes a long time to patch up.

DREAMING ISN'T A CRIME.
No seriously, it isn't.
Dreaming is your heart and mind's way of reminding you of what you actually want in life.

FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS IS THE TOUGHEST BUT MOST GRATIFYING THING YOU'LL EVER DO.
Follow your dreams because they'll make you grateful for your life and they'll make you feel great about yourself.

Life is all about challenges and dreams are a way to overcome them.
When you have a dream in mind, your path becomes clearer, your victory becomes sweeter and life becomes happier.

Dream, because it'll ultimately make you glad.
It'll make you feel on top of the world.
It'll be the best thing you've ever done.

Have a great year and life 'cause You Only Live Once!
Happy New Year once again!

Accept yourself for Who You Are

Hey everyone!!!
We're going to officially enter a new year in a few days (two, to be exact) and I decided to end this year with a post.
Now as the title might or might not inform, this post is all about acceptance.

We all can start by simply stating the obvious.

One. You and I are not like super models nor do we have as much brains to become the next Super Whiz Kid. Yay, joy.

Two. We crave some sort of company that glorifies our achievements.
"Hey, nice game!"
"How are you soooo smart? I wish I could get so much marks in my tests!"

Three. We are essentially sort of insecure, even if we try to forget it all and be our own wonderful selves.
"I am wearing this dress no matter what anyone thinks or whispers."
"Hey does this dress look OK?"

Four. We can be selfish sometimes.
"Hey! That was the last chocolate and it was MINE!"
"I wanted to do that part..."

Five. We see every single flaw in our appearance when we stand in front of the mirror.
"Why are my eyes sooooo small!!"
"I think the colour red is NOT for me."

Six. We hate it when people talk about our negative qualities.
This includes me and I guess all you readers too.
I promise this is the last one.

SO, now that we've laid the basis that all of us aren't the perfect angels others might want us to be, let's start with another round of state the obvious.

One. We are beautiful and smart just the way we are. [Yeah, right!]

Two. Even though we want company that glorifies us, we like the company that tells us we're wrong, the best. Because, in the end, they're the ones who help the most. [Oh, really? Right now I want to kill the person who told me I wasn't good enough.]

Three. Even if we may get insecure sometimes, we are definitely strong enough to let go and move on with life as if all that fight against insecurity was easy- peasy. [Give me one second. I'm fighting my "easy- peasy" insecurity.]

Four. Hey, it's ok to be selfish. We are selfless quite a lot too. A person needs balance. [I'm about to fall off because of having no "balance"]

Five. Even if we see all our flaws in the mirror, we see all our good features too. [Mirror, Mirror on the wall. Who is the Fairest of them all? Me? Yeah, right.]

Six. Even if we hate people talking about our negative qualities, we use it to somehow improve ourselves in the public eye. [My negative qualities, you say? My right arm needs some punching practice.]

So, I know that my side comments make my actual comments seem false and stupid.
The thing is, those are the things I would think if I read all those.
And then, I would be wondering what I did wrong.

What I did/you did/you are doing wrong is, you aren't thinking as high of yourself as you should.
You should learn that while we may have our flaws, our highs and lows, our mood swings, our sadness and happiness and feelings in general, we are definitely US.
Each one of us is unique in whatever crazy way there may be.

We could sing horribly, yet sing in our shower every day.
We could dance horribly, yet dance around wherever we go, whenever we want.
We could be horrible at a subject, yet try to learn it in the hope that one day it will make sense.
We could paint horribly yet own artbooks and paints and paint away.

We can be anything and do anything because all those little quirks are what define us.

It's OK if you can't do something that everyone else can.
It's OK if you aren't perfect.
It's OK if you don't perform well in that one test.
It's OK if you hate something/someone everyone else seems to love.

It's OK if you have weird choices.

People judge you because they are so jobless.
Don't let their judgments change you from being you.

You like to do something, then DO it.
Don't worry about what people will say.
If they respect you enough, they will tell you if it's dangerous for you. Otherwise, they'll respect your decisions and act as your support till the end.

The thing is, you need to accept who you are.

Self- Acceptance is KEY.
It makes you feel worthy and makes you feel on top of the world.

Love yourself. From every single flaw your enemies notice to every single good thing your friends notice. 

Have a great year ahead!
More like, have a great LIFE ahead!!

Till next time, friends.

Sugar, spice and everything nice? Is it really true?

Now, you might be wondering where I got that caption from.
If you said Powerpuff Girls- The Movie, you get a double chocolate chip cookie with a dash of chilli sauce and a double scoop of chocolate icecream.
Why? Because it symbolizes sugar, spice and everything nice.

Yes, I do know that you can't start a sentence with because, but really, the use of the word was imperative.

I guess that from the caption, you might be thinking that I'm going to be talking about food.
Ah, you're wrong.
I'm talking about life and hopefully I'll leave you in as jolly(note the sarcasm please!) a mood as I am right now.

I was reading a few of my own poems and a poem in my Literature Textbook.
It got me thinking of what all I thought of life and what all I was wrong about.

I had two internals today and really, I didn't actually know why I was so afraid of them. I just was.

Now that I think about it, it was my fear that I would do badly, my fear that I would shatter the hopes my parents have on me( that they so sweetly try not to show) that made me so scared.
Even now, as frustration threatens to make me insane( I believe mood swings are very typical of my age) one sentence keeps on repeating in my head.

"When life gives you lemons, make lemonade."

When asked about it's real meaning, I would say that it means to always look at the positive side of things.
Now that I think about it, it means that take whatever life gives you and use it to the fullest of your ability.

All those philosophical and noble things aside, I believe that all these years, I had the whole concept of life wrong and I can't believe that it took just one poem and a couple of amateur ones written in the heat of the moment to make me understand what I was doing.

Life isn't always about sugar or spice or everything nice. It is also about bitterness and sourness( by the way, I love sour foodstuffs) and overall it's what Tamilians call as 'Arusuvai'. 

There were these two lines,
"... But to act, that each to-morrow
Find us farther than to-day..."

I guess, I already did my bit in making my tomorrow better than my today.
One main thing is that I finished my internals and I needn't worry as much as I did today, tomorrow.
Another one is, typing this out, sort of reduced my frustration and has made me more calm.

On a completely unrelated note though,
My mom used to say,
"Yashasvi, everyone here is there for a reason..."
"You are destined to become what you want..." 
"If you are willing to put a bit more of hardwork, there is no one to beat you..." 
"My daughter is a very intelligent and talented girl..." 
"It's okay of you don't get good marks, you are a good daughter and that's all I want..."

And then I used to say,
"Amma, you have too much belief in me..."
"What if I don't get good marks..."
"It may not trouble you but it troubles me..."
"I am not that intelligent and talented..."

I realise now that whatever she said was to encourage me.
In my fifteen short years of life, never once have my parents ever imposed upon me to study.
They never helped me study but if I needed help, they were there.

They taught me some things about life and made me learn the rest.

And no matter what happens in my life from henceforth,
I know for sure that my parents would be included in the sugar, spice and everything nice category.

Everything else, if where you decide to put it.
Marks, school, friends, studies, etc. All have values you assign to them.
You don't need to decide between anything.
Believe in what you think and go and hold that supportive arm when you need it.

And yes, I can't guarantee you that everything will be sugar, spice and everything nice.
But then, even the sourest lemon tastes like heaven with a bit of salt and sugar.

And if you start thinking that way, trust me, all those lines my mom said, would apply to you too ( change the gender as applicable, ie. Daughter --> Son, Girl--> Boy.).

Hope that leaves you guys in as happy, melancholic, sad, jolly mood as I am in.

Do comment your thoughts on this post.

Fat- Shaming... I don't give a Damn.

Hola people,
It's me again. I'm still alive and working and hopefully I'm still the same.
I'll tell you one thing though, school is TOUGH.
I'm not going to be explaining that though. I've had an idea of sorts for a while now and I'm going to put that out for the world to see.

FAT SHAMING!!!
I hate that word, especially because it has happened to me, it is happening to me and might happen to me in the future too.
Fat- shaming is quite common here in India, when you come to think of it.
It may be by your parents, grand parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, great aunts, school friends, classmates, teachers and so on.
My advice? Don't give a shit about what they say.

A person has the right to be however they want. Who are they to comment that you are fat? And besides, it's not like you're making them fat.
If they say they get an eyesore because of you, patiently go and get them some eye drops and a mask to wear so that they can protect their eyes.
Why should you change?

Movements against fat- shaming have increased in number around the world.
The sad part is, most people in India don't know about it.
Celebrities all over the world have voiced their opinion that avoiding people because they are fat is worse than racism and caste-ism put together.

I ask you, if people mute swear words on TV, why isn't there a similar ban on words like fat?

People often think that people get motivated to become fit when they are fat- shamed.
That's WRONG and STUPID, because fat- shaming reduces a person's sense of self- worth.
It makes them question why they even live.
It makes them question whether they'd get that perfect fairytale every thin girl in the movies gets.

I'll tell you one thing though, sometimes the so called 'fat' people are more healthier than those stick- thin girls who live on water and raw vegetables every day.
Did you know that living on only water and raw vegetables equates you to a cow or any other herbivore for that matter?

People might think that fat people don't feel much emotions because they seem to brush off every rude comment that someone makes.
I ask them, would they be alright if someone always seems to point out that they are fat?
Would they act like they're brave or would they break down on the spot only to warrant more ridicule?

It's tough being the way you want in a society that seems to have a pre-defined notion of what being perfect means.
Simply put, if you want to be the way you want, you get ridiculed.

I was looking at the newspaper and the picture of the winners of a beauty pageant was put up.
It was the same old story.
Perfect parlor made hair that flowed down, stick thin legs and hands that were probably waxed in a very famous parlor for probably Rs. 10000, dresses that barely came to half their thighs and flawless facial done faces with glowing lipsticks and false eyelashes and smooth complexions.

The ideas of beauty are so deep- rooted in our minds and society that people fail to recognize the everyday beauties who go out in the sun with zero make up and thick hair braided and curvy bodies hidden inside their clothes and shawls.

God made every girl different. You can't be me, I can't be you and I'm glad I'm me because, under this fat and unmanageable hair, there's a person, a soul that calls out to similar ones.
Why should I care if someone thinks I'm fat or if someone thinks I'm unworthy. I know I'm worth what I ask. I won't sell myself low and so should you.

Next time when someone says you are fat tell them that you're glad that you aren't sickly and stick- thin. The world will be comfortable with you only if you are comfortable being you.